In my post last week, Grieving Children: A Cry for Help, professional counselor Gail Johnson, pointed out that: Children’s grief needs to be acknowledged. They need to be involved in the grieving process and allowed to mourn in the company of relatives and peers. Issues of loss and grief are best worked through as they occur and not delayed to be worked out years later, if ever.
The Grieving Process — do we as parents, grandparents, or any lay person for that matter, really know what those words mean? I know I didn’t for many years. But, when my pastor and mentor, the late Melba Berkheimer, introduced me to The Grieving Process and asked me to teach adult classes on this subject, something inside of me clicked and made me want to learn more about it.
My studies eventually led me to believe that if adults could grab hold of what it means to grieve, then we would be better equipped to know how to help children during a time of loss in their lives.
So, this week, let’s rip that word apart, using a verse from Matthew 5:4 as our guide.
Blessed are they who mourn (grieve)
For they shall be comforted.
Yes, it was Jesus who introduced that word GRIEVE to us in The Sermon on the Mount. It was here on this mountain top that Jesus delivered what came to be known as The Beatitudes. Oswald Cambers, author of His Utmost for His Highest, said, “The Beatitudes that Jesus delivered that day are not a set of rules and regulations to live by, but they are a statement of the life we live when the Holy Spirit is getting His way with us. They literally explode when the circumstances of our lives cause them to do so.”
There are three key words in that verse that we need to understand so that we can allow them to activate and explode within us after a loss. Those words are: mourn, comfort, bless.
Mourn is the same word as grieve, which means to feel or express sorrow.
Most of us don’t want people to see us cry, so we suppress our tears, hurts, and feelings. I was one of those who, not only suppressed my feelings from others, I withheld them from God also. I thought some of the feelings I was having were so bad, I didn’t want God to know. My thinking was, “If I don’t voice my feelings, God won’t know!” Isn’t that a laugh! However, when we suppress our feelings, they will come out in some other form, and most likely hurt innocent people.
In Psalm 142:2, David said: “I poured out my complaint before Him; I showed before him my trouble.” What we see David doing in so many of the Psalms is letting his feelings flow freely concerning events occurring in his life. As the saying goes, “he let them all hang out.” May I hasten to say that, along with feeling and expressing every feeling, we do have to learn how to control our actions, no matter how we feel. We especially have to teach good behavior to children, along with teaching them how to feel and express their feelings.
Comfort means to console, to strengthen.
Our natural tendency is to scream out, “Get me out of this situation, and get me out quick!” In other words, we want a “quick fix.” Quick fixes are like putting a band-aid on a bleeding wound. It may slow the bleeding down, but it doesn’t last long.
There are no “quick fixes.” I see God saying to us, “Give me your hand, and let me walk you through the situation.” And that’s exactly what will happen when we begin to feel and express our feelings in the midst of pain and sorrow. God will seize the opportunity for his comfort to literally explode within us. His comfort will come in various ways, such as:
- God’s Word: Romans 15:4 tells us that those things that were written so long ago was for our learning so that we through patience and comfort of the scriptures might have hope.
- Others who have experienced a loss: 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 tells us that those who have already been comforted during a difficult time in their lives will comfort others.
Look at it this way: When feelings are withheld and not expressed, there is no comfort to be found.
Bless is the receiving of something good; bringing joy.
Perhaps you might be thinking, “how in the world can I receive something good from what I’ve been through? No way it will ever bring me joy!”
The Bible tells one story after another of how God takes evil and brings good out of it. My favorite Old Testament story seeing this concept played out is in the life of Joseph. Joseph experienced loss after loss beginning when his brothers sold him to traders going into Egypt. But, he rose to a high position in Pharaoh’s court and was able to help thousands in need, even his brothers who had betrayed him.
Having gone through The Grieving Process with various losses in my life, I can vouch for at least two ways this part of Matthew 5:4 has literally exploded in my life.
- Good came about from the things I learned going through the process.
- Joy came as I passed those things I learned on to others. Believe me, there is no greater joy in life than taking what was intended evil for you and turn it around to helping others in need.
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So, grieving is a normal process after a loss, even in the lives of children. “How to lead children through this process,” is what I try to help you do in my book, Helping Hurting Children: A Journey of Healing.
Refer to my website and download the PDF on “Suggestions for Using the Children’sWorkbook.” Perhaps it will give you ideas as to how you might be able to use my book for children in your family or community.
Incidentally, the featured image at the beginning of today’s post was drawn by the illustrator of my book, Mel LeCompte, Jr. Mel also created Bubby the Rabbit who travels with Hannah, Crystal, Heather, Zach, and Hadley on their journey of healing in each chapter of the book. The picture shows Bubby and the kids as they listen to The Sermon on The Mount. (See if you can find Bubby in the crowd.)
See you right here next week.