“Why, God?  Why didn’t YOU stop this from happening?”

The minister on the TV program I was watching was Rob Koke, senior pastor of Shoreline Church, Austin, Texas. A man, who had preached the healing message of Jesus Christ to countless others, was confessing that he struggled with agonizing questions after the death of his seventeen-year-old son, Caleb, in an auto accident.  He knew God was not the author of bad things, but where was He in the accident that took his son’s life.

Let’s be honest – most all of us have questions when faced with circumstances that cut right to the very core of our faith.  Kids, too, can go through a time of questioning when life throws weighty issues at them. “If God is so good, why did my daddy die,” or “why didn’t God keep my parents from divorcing,” he might ask.

It is during this time that a child’s faith in God can become unbalanced and his view of God distorted.  It is up to the caring adult to try and help the child balance his grief and faith in God.  The question is how can we do this, when we ourselves might have the same questions running through our minds?

Pastor Koke tells of a comforting answer he came up with after a long period of questioning God that brought him peace.

“I finally had to say ‘I don’t know why’ God didn’t stop this accident from happening.  But, I came to the conclusion that I would not exchange what I do know about God for what I don’t know about God. I know that God is good; God is love; God is not the author of evil; God loves me so much He sent His son to shed His blood for me; I have a home in heaven with Him when I die; He comforts me in all my troubles, and the list goes on and on of the goodness of God.”

As I reflected on Pastor Koke’s answer to how he began to receive peace and comfort in the midst of his agonizing questions, I was reminded of the scripture in 1 Corinthians 13:12:  “For NOW, we see through a glass darkly; but then face to face; NOW I know in part.”

I personally take that scripture to mean that there are some things we will never know the answer to this side of heaven.  It is like driving down the highway with a dirty windshield; we can’t see everything clearly NOW in our present time.

That being said, the question still remains: “If we don’t have all the answers, how can we help children balance their grief and faith in God?”

Be honest: tell them you don’t know the answer to all their questions.
It is better to say “I don’t know,” than give them a superficial made-up answer that may not be accurate, only adding to their confusion. Did God answer the “why” questions for Pastor Koke?  No, but He brought comfort to him in the midst of his grief.

Don’t try to “fix” a child’s hurt. 
Guiding a child through grief is different than trying to fix or soothe over his hurt.  Children don’t need to be fixed; grief is a normal and a healthy response to loss.  Allow them to grieve, experience the pain, so they can grow in their own relationship with God as you guide them gently through the pain of it.

Model faith before them. 
Modeling faith before your child does not mean that you have to “pretend” that everything is always okay in your life.  Every little detail about the struggles you are having shouldn’t be told to the child; however, he needs to know that adults have hurts, too.  The flip side of that coin is that, in the midst of being honest about your struggles, it is an excellent time to remind him of pertinent faith scriptures, such as: (1) “I can do all things through Jesus Christ who strengthens me.” (Philippians 4:13); (2) In all things, we are more than conquerors through Him who loves us.  (Romans 8:37)

Remember:  Healing is a process.
Recovering from a loss emotionally and spiritually is much like recovering from a physical ailment – – it takes time.  Our mission as caring adults is to guide children carefully and prayerfully throughout the process.

And that, my friend, is some of the ways that —

We can be a vessel who can help
 balance a child’s grief and faith in God.

Is it easy?
The road down faith is not always smooth;
but it moves us and our kids forward in our journey of life.

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Thanks for joining Hannah and me this week.  Be sure to join us next week when we will have a special guest to tell her story of Family Shared Grief.