When a child experiences a loss or knows of someone who has, questions may arise out of his struggle to understand the concept of what is happening. You, as a caring adult, may be stumped as to how to respond to his questions.

For the next few weeks, I will be answering a series of questions children might ask about death, divorce, making a move, and the loss of a pet. Obviously, there are many more losses children encounter, but I chose these specific losses because they are the most common ones. Also included in this series will be tips for adults concerning bullying and self-esteem, which, unfortunately, kids may face on a daily basis.

It is my hope this series will bring an awareness to, not only questions children might ask, but to dispel some misguided answers adults sometime make in answering questions about a child’s loss. As you read my answers, consider using them as a guide with the child with whom you are comforting. It will also be a time to interject scripture to enhance the child’s spiritual growth.

Please keep in mind four points when answering a child’s questions about any loss:

1. It is best to always be honest rather than “sugar-coating” the answers in an effort to shield and protect him. The more clearly you answer his questions, the faster he will move forward in coping with his loss.
2. If you do not know the answer to a question he asks, it is okay to say, “I don’t know.” Giving him an answer you are not sure of will only add to his confusion.
3. Answer questions briefly; children aren’t looking for a long drawn out lecture.
4. Should you feel the need to ask the child a question, it is very important how you phrase the question. Children often respond the way they think adults want them to respond; therefore asking questions that require a “Yes” or “No” answer should be avoided.

So, let’s get started with common questions about death.

1. Why do people die?
The Bible says in Ecclesiastes 3:2: “there is a time to be born and a time to die.” (KJV) That means all living things must die, which would include people of all different ages and also plants and animals.

2. What causes death?
For this question, be sure to include all the ways people die and explain each of the ways, such as: old age, sickness, accidents, murder, suicide, and miscarriage. I list miscarriage because children are sometimes faced with their own mothers being pregnant and then have a miscarriage. A way you might answer their “what happened” question is: “The baby was just too weak to grow and develop in my body.”

3. Where do people go after they die?
The Bible says in 11 Corinthians 5:8: “To be absent from the body (as in death) is to be present with the Lord.” (KJV) Most Christian faiths believe that our spirits go to heaven to be with Jesus when we die, and their bodies remain in the grave.

4. What about me? When am I going to die?
When a child loses a loved one, it is only natural to start thinking more about death in regards to himself, as well as his remaining loved ones. That is okay as long as he doesn’t dwell on it for a long period of time. Although he should realize that death is a reality, it is important to stress to him that there are many wonderful things for him to experience in life. It is an excellent time to say to him: “Live your life to the fullest, and strive to become all that God has created you to be.”

5. Sometimes I hear adults say when someone dies that they are just sleeping. When will they wake up?
Can we agree to put an end to this type of verbiage? Telling the child “he is only sleeping,” leads him to believe his loved one will wake up, only adding to his confusion. Tell the child very gently that death is permanent and cannot be reversed.

6. I heard someone say that it was God’s will and a part of his plan for my mom to die.
Adults sometimes confuse God’s role in death. Think about it: “Do we really want children to think that it was God’s will for a drunken driver to run head on into the path of a young mother?” What kind of picture does that paint of God? Our job as caring adults is to help children have a healthy time of grieving, not one of confusion. Teach him about the God of love and comfort.

7. What am I going to tell my friends at school?
Death can be an awkward time for a child around his friends, as well as an awkward time for his friends to know what to say or not to say. Before he faces his friends at school or church after the death of his loved one, help him come up with a plan he can use to help “break the ice.” This could ease the situation for both he and his friends.

8. Since my dad died, is it my responsibility to take care of my mom?
Adults are not a child’s responsibility. They should not be made to feel they should be the one to make their remaining parent happy; they should be allowed to have their own grieving time. However, it is also an excellent time to encourage the child to do chores around the house that might be of help to his parent who is also grieving.

And that, my friends, is just a few questions you might encounter. To be honest, even adults have many questions about death. The Bible says in 1 Corinthians 13:12: “For now, we see through a glass darkly; but then face to face; now I know in part.” (KIV)

The word NOW in this verse means at the present time we are living here on this earth. Just like looking through a dark and dirty mirror, we can’t see everything clearly, so we won’t know everything there is to know about death NOW in our present life.

However, we do have a responsibility as caring adults to be open and honest to answer questions we do know about death, rather than making it a taboo subject. It helps a child to be comfortable in expressing his emotions on the subject.

Join Hannah and me right here next week when we answer questions on divorce.

In the meantime, in the comment section, leave me a question that you might not know how to answer for your child. I will do my best to find out the answer for you.