Today, I continue my series answering questions children may have on specific losses. My purpose in writing about this is two-fold: (1) to bring awareness to the questions a child might ask so you will not be surprised and (2) to dispel misguided answers adults sometime make in answering questions about a child’s loss.

Included in this series will be questions on death, divorce, making a move, and the loss of a pet. Also included in this series will be tips for adults concerning bullying and self-esteem, which, unfortunately, kids may face on a daily basis. As you read my answers, consider using them as a guide with the child with whom you are comforting. It will also be a time to interject scriptures to enhance the child’s spiritual growth. Be sure to click onto the link provided should you miss any posts during this series.

Today, I will be listing questions children ask about divorce. Before you begin, let’s quickly review some important points to remember when answering a child’s questions about any loss.

1. It is best to always be honest rather than “sugar-coating” the answers in an effort to shield and protect him. The more clearly you answer his questions, the faster he will move forward in coping with his loss.
2. If you do not know the answer to a question he asks, it is okay to say, “I don’t know.” Giving him an answer you are not sure of will only add to his confusion.
3. Answer questions briefly; children aren’t looking for a long drawn out lecture.
4. Should you feel the need to ask the child a question, it is very important how you phrase the question. Children often respond the way they think adults want them to respond; therefore asking questions that require a “Yes” or “No” answer should be avoided.

So, let’s get started with common questions about divorce.

1. Is the divorce my fault?
Can you imagine a child feeling plagued with guilt thinking he might have done something to have caused the divorce of his parents? Though I grew up in a two parent family, I well know the feeling of guilt concerning many issues in my life. For further information on how to teach children the difference between True and False Guilt, see my post about True Guilt vs. False Guilt.

As for divorce, an example you might say to him as a means of reassuring him is: “If two of your friends got into a fight while you were sitting at home watching TV, did you cause the fight?” Absolutely not, so there is nothing you did or didn’t do that caused the breakup of your parents — it was their decision.”

2. If the divorce is not my fault, whose fault is it, Mom or Dad’s?
Every counselor’s book I have ever read about divorce stresses this point to parents: Divorce is about change, not blame. I couldn’t agree more with this statement. It only hurts the child more for parents to bad mouth one another. Instead of blaming and having him worry about who is to blame, encourage the child to think about how he can adjust to a new chapter in his life.

3. If my parents stopped loving one another, does that mean they will stop loving me?
Heartbreaking question, indeed, so it is a must for parents to reassure the child that: “Your parents will never stop loving you.” “We divorced each other, not you!” You might also seize the moment to try to explain to the child that love has many faces and are special in their own way, such as:

• The love between a child and grandparents
• The love between two friends
• The love between man and woman
• The love between parents and their child

4. Is the divorce forever? What can I do to fix it?
Because children cannot see into the “big picture” of grown-up problems, it is normal for them to think the divorce might be temporary and that their parents will get back together again. Sometimes that happens, but statistics on divorce say it is very rare. Sometimes, children even think that if they are extra nice and work hard at being a good kid, they can fix their parents’ problems.

It is best to be honest with the child and try not to build false hope that they will get back together again, and by all means, assure him that he is a good kid, and this divorce has nothing to do with him/her — the problem is with each other and he cannot fix it.

5. Issues that need to be discussed with the child that will vary from family to family are:

• the changes that are going to take place in his life
• custody arrangements
• holidays

Obviously, these issues should be discussed with the child as soon as possible to help him feel secure, and not left wondering “what is going to happen to me?”

6. Do I still have a family?
Thankfully, I have not had a divorce in my immediate family, but one of the most heart-breaking questions a grandmother once told me her 10 year-old-grandson asked her when his parents divorced was: “Grandma, do I still have a family?”

It was obvious that, in his young mind, he was defining family as “a mom and dad and their kids all living in the same house together forever.” The truth of the matter is that is the way God intended it in the beginning. Unfortunately, it doesn’t always happen that way.

This Grandmother said she had to come up quickly with an answer for her grandson to assure and comfort him. In doing so, she re-defined the meaning of a family for him in the following way.

Family means people who provide
love, support, advise, comfort, time, and friendship to each other.

She concluded with having him name some of the people whom he felt had given those things to him. Without missing a beat, the young boy began calling out a list that included his grandparents, close friends, cousins, aunts, uncles, school teachers, children’s pastor, and concluded with Mom and Dad. (Yes, even mom and dad were on his list.)

Friends, my heart breaks when I hear about families splitting up. But, all my crying and sympathizing does them no good – I must do my part in helping them. Hillary Clinton once wrote a book entitled: It takes a Village to Raise a Child. More and more in this day and time, I have come to believe that is true.

Won’t you join me in my crusade to help hurting children cope with the losses in their lives. Click onto my website for further information as to how you can become involved.

Join Hannah and me right here next week as we try to answer questions kids ask about making a move.