I am presently writing a series on The Grieving Process for Adults. For the next couple of weeks, I invite you to take a journey with me down The Highway of Life to view losses you might have encountered on your journey through life. It is my prayer that, not only will you receive emotional and spiritual healing from those losses, but it will enable you to help children when they experience a loss.

Last week, the loss that we discussed was Childhood Losses you might have had when you were a child. Today, I want to draw your attention to Relationship Losses.

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When we speak of relationships, it covers a whole lot of territory. These, of course, could occur at any age in life. To name just few:

1. Death

The death of a special person in your life is a major loss. The role that person played in your life will determine the type of secondary losses that you will experience. Secondary losses are losses that are a result of the initial loss.

Example: “I lost a sense of oneness,” described Glenda in the death of her husband. “No matter how many wonderful friends, loving relatives, or activities I had, nothing could fill the hollow feeling and loss of oneness. His death to me was like a phantom amputation, which is similar to an amputee experiencing severe pain in the limb that has been amputated. I felt that I was literally half a person. The other half is gone, but their presence is still felt.”

Example: A relative of mine lost his dad when he was only 2 years old. His secondary losses consisted of growing up with no male role model in his life, loss of father/son companionship and financial security.

2. Divorce

Cassandra, a close friend of mine, describes her journey through divorce and the secondary losses she experienced when her husband divorced her after 25 years of marriage.

•  I lost the trust I once had in my one flesh mate, the one I was intimate with and the father of my children.
• Acceptance and safety slipped from my grip as my mate vaulted between ‘it wasn’t my fault,’ to me being the sorriest person in the world.
• My way of life that I had grown accustomed to was gone. The big salary was no longer coming in, and I suddenly had to support myself on minimum wages. My covering for financial security and protection was gone.
• I lost confidence in myself. I believed the accusations he said about me. I began to hate myself for being so dumb not to know sooner that my husband was so unhappy. Surely I could have made him happy. I didn’t want to live, but I didn’t want to die.
• My health, mentally and physically, began to deteriorate. I became a yo-yo and he held the strings. I began doing strange things like stalking him and not getting dressed all day. My stomach felt like a knife was sticking in it. I lost weight, thinking he’d like me if I was thinner. Sleep consisted of two hours at a time.
• I also lost the understanding of friends. Only a few friends actually talked to me about my situation. They couldn’t understand why I still loved him and wanted him back in my life.

Similarities and Differences Between Death and Divorce

• Death and divorce are similar in that they both carry with it, not only the loss of a significant person in your life, but also the possible loss of finances, and a whole new way of life as a single person.
• One of the differences is that divorce may end the relationship, but it does not end the on-going circumstances that must continually be dealt with. There are still the kids to deal with and family functions to attend with the possibility of the estranged spouse being present, not to mention court hearings, etc.
• Possibly the major difference is that in death, the person did not leave you because they no longer cared for you.   Therefore, in death, rejection is not an issue.

Example: My dad died at the age of 46. In an effort to comfort my Mother, one of her divorced friends said to her: “You are better off than I am. At least your husband didn’t leave you for another woman.” Quite honestly, I was very offended by her remark. I had just lost a daddy; I wasn’t concerned about her marital problems. Years later, I realized that to this lady, death was a more comforting thought than being rejected.

3. Other Relationship Losses

While the loss of a relationship through death or divorce can be very devastating, we encounter other relationships in life that bring us extreme pain when we lose them, such as: friendship, romantic, strained relationship between adult child and parents, or parents who have a rebellious child.

Example: Parents who have experienced turbulent times with a rebellious child have not only the concern of their child to deal with, but the loss of a relationship as well. Tracy wept the night she told her support group of the losses she was experiencing with her teenage daughter. “I first felt the loss of my child’s relationship with God at stake. Then I began to feel the loss of a mother-daughter companionship as shopping trips ceased, along with the school activities that she no longer wanted to be a part of.”

What about you? Have you experienced the loss of a relationship? Has that loss had a rippling effect that keeps affecting other relationships in your life?

The Bible says in Galatians 5:9 that “a little leaven (evil) leavens the whole lump”. Just like yeast, when a loss in one relationship is not healed, it spreads to other relationships.

Join Hannah and me right here next week, as we take a look at other different types of losses we juggle on The Highway of Life. Once we have covered the different types of losses, I hope you will join us in The Grieving Process and receive God’s comfort.