Martha's Blog

A few weeks ago, I began writing on the Steps in The Grieving Process. The steps come in no particular order; however, for my writings, I have a systematic plan that I wish to cover them. I began with Numbness, and Denial.

Today starts the first in a series of posts on Emotions. Emotions are the “bulk” of the Grieving Process. So, let’s begin by defining them.

Define facts: Fact are happenings — an actual or true reality

Emotions: Reactions, responses to those happenings. Emotions are our inner self being expressed.

To get a clear understanding of emotions, or feelings as they are also called, lets look at some important facts about them. Understanding them will move you faster through the process of grieving into acceptance.

1. Emotions are God-Given

Jesus expressed a wide range of emotions: affection for children, anger at the moneychangers at the Temple, and He wept at the tomb of Lazarus. God also gives us a wide range of emotions that includes, not only the ones Hannah has illustrated, but many more.

To name a few:

Love	Peaceful	Sad	Hate
Happy	Disappointed	Lonely	Hope
Joy	Tired	Jealous	Fear
Confused	Angry	Shame	Surprised
Mischievous	Embarrassed	Worry	Guilty
Brave	Cheerful	Silly	Excited

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Our God-given feelings are neither good nor bad. It is what we do with them that involves good or bad.

Many times we have been led to believe that it is wrong to express our emotions, especially if they are negative. Men, in particular, have a hard time expressing themselves. Many are told at an early age that “big boys don’t cry,” so they hide their feelings of fear, hurt, and uncertainty. They become stuck in the role of “silent sons,” says Robert Ackerman, author of For Silent Sons.

Ackerman describes a silent son as a man who grew up in a troubled family and hasn’t resolved any issues of his past. He looks OK to an outsider, but he’s in pain and doesn’t want anyone to see it. He gets locked into being “the strong, silent type.” He can’t get close to people, becomes defined by his job, often gets very angry and doesn’t know why. Ackerman points out that it seems strange to put the words “strong” and “silent” together. However, the silent son’s attitude is. “The more pain I can take, the more of a man I am.”

Women on the other hand, haven’t received quite the same “be tough” attitude concerning their emotions. However, having often been labeled “too emotional,” their feelings are often not validated and merit given to their hurt.

Children’s feelings are often overlooked entirely. Adults become so involved in their own problems that they fail to see the hurt that their child is experiencing. Added to that scenario is the probability that the adults in the child’s world don’t know what to do with their own feelings, so how can they possibly help their hurting child?

2. Honesty is the Key to Expressing Emotions

Be Honest With Yourself: “I’m frustrated,” could be a way to avoid saying ‘I’m angry,’ because anger seems less acceptable than frustration. Psalm 51:6 exhorts us to “Desire truth in your inner parts.” When we aren’t honest with ourselves, we are not able to be honest with God and others.

Be Honest With God: In Psalm 142:2 David states: I poured out my complaint before him; I showed before him my trouble. Beth Moore, author of A Heart Like His, says that David obviously viewed his heart as a pitcher filled with emotions. All through the Psalms, we see him emptying his pitcher (his heart) out to God, both positive and negative feelings.

• Anger-Break their teeth, Lord. (Ps. 58:6)
• Fear-Deliver me from the evil man. (Ps.140:1-4)
• Love for God-As the hart panteth after the water brooks, I pant for you. (Ps. 42:1-2)
• Anxiety-Make haste unto me. (Ps. 141:1)
• Trust in God-The Lord is my light and my salvation, whom shall I fear? (Ps. 27:1-3)
• Despair-My heart is sore pained within me. (Ps. 55:4-5)
• Joy-You have turned my mourning into dancing for you. (Ps. 30:11)

Be Honest With Others: Open communication is vital to maintaining a relationship. Facing conflict with boldness and openness is absolutely essential to solving problems. However, the Bible is also plain about not causing division and strife, so we must use caution as we begin to deal honestly with those who have hurt us. For example:

• Sometimes telling aging parents or another family member, “everything” only brings more division and strife. Ask yourself the question, “What will help that person?” Also think about that person’s spiritual maturity level when you are trying to decide how much to tell.
• On rare occasions, it’s best to tell nothing. Just be fully persuaded in your own mind what you believe to be right and how you are going to make changes in your own life to deal with the hurt. (Romans 14:5)

3. Separate the Facts From the Feelings in Order to Make Wise Decisions

While honesty is the key to expressing our feelings, caution must be observed in making decisions during a period of time when emotions are unbalanced. For example:

• Feelings are like barometers – They go up and down.
• Holding back one emotion will set up a barrier to another emotion – Anger holds back love.
• Feelings may conflict with each other – One might love and hate the same person.
• Unexpressed feelings will express themselves – No one falls apart in a split second. It has been building up because the feeling has been unexpressed and repressed.
• Feelings can be out of proportion – When a person losses his job, there is that loss to contend with plus a possible new way of life. It becomes multiple losses, causing the feelings to be out of proportion.
• Sometimes the emotion is empty because they are repressed – An emotion can be deeply buried as a result of a hurt, and the emotional response toward that hurt is empty. It is a way of blocking the hurt from memory.
• A loss in childhood is perceived with childlike wisdom and childlike knowledge; therefore, it gets locked into their mind in that manner. As an adult, there is still the loss down inside, but still understanding it as a child, and responding to it as a child.

CHALLENGE: Psalm 73:17: “Until I went into the Sanctuary of God; then I understood their end.

In the preceding verses, David is crying out to the Lord about all the evil that is around him. He is saying, “I am doing the best I can and look at them, Lord, they are prospering. I don’t understand it!” Then in verse 17, he says: Until I went into the Sanctuary of God; then I understood their end.  

David had to get back into God’s presence when things were happening that he did not understand in order to get his head on straight again.

It’s OKAY what you are FEELING, but — KEEP YOUR HEAD ON STRAIGHT!

Join Hannah and me next week as we try to discover our most common emotional response.