Steps in The Grieving Process

Posted on by November 22, 2014avatar
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Grieving StepsBefore taking a break for Thanksgiving, my posts had been listing all the many different types of losses we might incur on The Highway of Life. I concluded that series with the ways How All Losses Are Related.

All Losses Must Be Grieved, is crucial to our healing and perhaps the main way all losses are related. Herein lies our Number #1 problem — “Not Knowing How to Grieve.” As a result, loss after loss begins to be packed into our life. Ultimately, we get to the point that we are carrying around so much excess baggage that the load becomes too difficult to manage.

As the saying goes: “I’ve been there, done that.” I don’t ever want to go back to that place of feeling hopeless and overwhelmed by the circumstances of life. I will say, however, that out of losses in my life and the healing God has brought about, it has given me a passion to pass onto others things I have learned through the study of grief. Out of my studies and experience, I wrote a study guide for adults and taught it for over 10 years at my local church, as well as publishing my book, Helping Hurting Children: A Journey of Healing. (See sidebar)

Today, I want to briefly introduce you to the steps most often associated with the process of grieving through a loss.  As time goes on, I will be covering each step in detail.

Step 1. Numb: The state of shock immediately following a loss. You might say it works like a tranquilizer that helps you get through the initial onslaught.

Step 2. Denial: Once the numbness wears off, the pain sets in. In an effort to avoid pain,
we often use defense mechanism to block pain.

Step 3. Bargaining: Simply put, we often try to cut a deal with God to get us out of a
situation quickly, rather than walking through the pain associated with
the loss and feeling His comfort.

Step 4. Emotions: Reactions to life’s circumstances.

Step 5. Forgiveness: The act of releasing others and yourself from hurts in your life.

Step 6. Acceptance: Acceptance does not mean approval; it means accepting life at a new
place and begin the process of moving forward.

Step 7. ?? There’s one additional step in The Grieving Process. This step can’t be taught, but it is vital to our healing. Webster defines this step as salty fluid that flows from the eyes. There will be times when words can’t express the ache of your heart. It is then that these tiny salty balls of fluid will flow from the deepest part of your soul, bringing with them all your painful emotions and yes, even joy that is indescribable.

I’m sure you have guessed what this step is by now. Yes, it is tears—they have a job to do! Let
them flow!

May I quickly point out that there is no systematic order in which an individual goes through these seven steps. But, at some point in time, all of these steps will need to be covered before a person can go on with life in a healthy way after a loss.

You may “bounce” in an out of a step several times before coming to grips with that particular phase of the process. Do not be discouraged when that happens; remember that healing is a process, and time is your ally. However, contrary to the old saying that time heals all wounds, Dr. Phil McGraw says it this way: “Time does not heal, it’s what we do with time that heals.”

Think of the time and attention that a farmer gives to seeds that he plants in his field. His care and attention is what causes the seeds to grow and come to harvest. If left alone, they would not produce.

Happy FaceCHALLENGE: Matthew 4:16 — “The people which sat in darkness saw great light and to them which sat in the region and shadow of death, light is sprung up.”

This scripture is in reference to the one that Isaiah foretold that Jesus would come one day and dwell in Capernaum and he said there would be Gentiles who would be sitting in darkness and that they would see great light. That light was Jesus. (Isaiah 9:1) We know today that that is exactly what happened. Jesus was in Capernaum during his earthly ministry and those who were sitting in darkness saw this great light.

Jesus is the same yesterday, today, and forever. He wants to bring light into those dark situations in your life.

DO NOT SIT IN DARKNESS ANY LONGER!
BEGIN YOUR JOURNEY INTO THE LIGHT!

I will be teaching on each of these steps starting in January.  Hannah and I are looking forward to traveling this journey with you.

Meanwhile, with the holidays coming up, no doubt many of you are already wondering, “how will I ever survive them, especially if you have experienced a loss this year.”

So, I invite you to join Hannah and me next week as we suggest ways for Surviving the Holidays After a Death.

What Does it Mean to Grieve?

Posted on by November 10, 2014avatar
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HHc SermonDo you know what the word Grieve really means? I know I didn’t for many years. Oh, I knew how Webster defined it, but the big picture behind it, I didn’t have a clue.

However, when my pastor and mentor, the late Melba Berkheimer, asked me to teach adult classes on The Grieving Process many years ago, something inside of me clicked and made me want to learn more about it. Thus, I began studying everything I could get my hands on from “the experts” in the field.

It shouldn’t have come as a surprise to me, but actually, it was Jesus who introduced that word GRIEVE to us in The Sermon on the Mount. It was here on this mountain top that Jesus delivered what came to be known as The Beatitudes.

Oswald Cambers, author of, His Utmost for His Highest, said, “The Beatitudes that Jesus delivered that day are not a set of rules and regulations to live by, but they are a statement of the life we live when the Holy Spirit is getting His way with us. They literally explode when the circumstances of our lives cause them to do so.”

With that thought in mind, Matt. 5:4 is the beatitude that should have an explosive reaction in our lives after experiencing a loss and tells us what it means to grieve.

Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted.

There are three key words in that verse that we need to clearly understand in order that we can allow them to activate and explode within us. Those words are: mourn, comfort, and bless.

yellow-comic-callout-50Mourn is the same word as grieve, which means to feel or express sorrow.

Many people hide behind masks and suppress their feelings after experiencing a loss. Personally, I didn’t just suppress my feelings from others; I withheld them from God also. Why? I thought, “good Christians shouldn’t be feeling the way I was feeling. I figured if I didn’t voice it, God wouldn’t know!” Isn’t that a laugh!

In Psalm 142:2. David says: “I poured out my complaints before the Lord; I showed before Him my troubles.” What we see David doing in so many of the Psalms is letting his feelings flow freely concerning events occurring in his life. As the saying goes, “he let them all hang out.”

May I hasten to say that, along with expressing every feeling, we do have to learn how to control our actions. Hang with me; we will get to that another time. For right now, concentrate on the thought: “It is Okay to pour out your feelings about your loss, and the devastating effects the loss has had on your life.”

yellow-comic-callout-50Comfort means to console, to strengthen.

Our natural tendency is to scream out, “Get me out of this situation, and get me out quick!” In other words, we want a “quick fix”. Quick fixes are like putting a band-aid on a major bleeding wound. May I gently say to you, “there are no quick fixes.”

As we express our feelings about our loss, God will seize the opportunity for his comfort to literally explode within us through reading His Word or sometimes through special people in our path.

One of the most touching moments of God’s comfort I have ever witnessed was the night Brenda walked into the grieving class I was teaching right after the death of her husband. She told the story of how they had been married twenty years, had divorced for 3 years, and then remarried. Six months later, he became ill and within a year, he died.

Devastated, Brenda was searching for answers. “Why did God put our marriage back together and then let my husband die? I don’t understand, tell me why this has happened to me?”

I sat in silence unable to find any comforting words for Brenda. However, Judy told the heartbreaking story of the night she went home from church and discovered that her 15 year-old-son had committed suicide. From that point on, Judy spoke not only of the pain she had experienced from this horrible nightmare, but also of the ways God had brought comfort to her during those times when she felt she couldn’t make another day.

When Judy stopped talking, Brenda looked at her and said: “I can’t imagine losing a child. I know I am going to make it now after hearing your story. Thank you for the comfort and support you have given me tonight.”

yellow-comic-callout-50Bless is the receiving of something good; bringing joy.

Perhaps, you might be thinking: “I now understand that it’s o.k. to express my feelings and even protest the loss with all its devastating effects. But I don’t understand “how in the world I can receive something good from what I’ve been through? No way it will ever bring me joy!”

Read the following story of a dear friend of mine to see how this concept unfolds.

Carol had been diagnosed with an eye disease as a child. By the time she was 38 years of age, her vision had become impaired to the point that she could no longer drive a car and care for the needs of her family the way she once had. Neither was she able to continue her graduate studies to pursue her dream of becoming a certified counselor. She became depressed and angry, even angry toward God. “Why has this happened to me? Why aren’t you doing something to help me,” she would often scream out at God.

Finally one day, she heard the Holy Spirit ever so gently speak to her: “if you will take your eyes off your problem, and put your eyes on me, I will walk you through this situation.”

Carol knew that “putting her eyes on God” meant reading His Word. “How do you think I can read your Word, I can’t see,” she protested to God. Still the nudging to “put her eyes on God” persisted. So, using a large print Bible and a magnifying glass, Carol began reading. Little by little, an emotional and spiritual healing began to take place in her life through God’s Word.

Today, God is using the loss that was meant to destroy Carol to help others. Not only does Carol teach adult Sunday School classes, but her dream of counseling has come true. On a weekly basis, using her home as her office, she counsels those who are going through hurts and losses in their lives. And can I say, she is filled with joy!

To briefly summarize, grief might look something like this:

It begins with the question “Why did this happen to me ” and eventually move on to:
• How can I learn through this experience?
• How can I go on with my life?
• How can I accept the loss?
• How can I help someone else going through a loss?

HHC Sermon 150

My friends, I have to believe that if adults could grab hold of what it really means to grieve, not only would we be able to cope with losses in our own lives, but we would be better equipped to help hurting children during a time of loss in their lives.

I hope you will stay with me in the following weeks as I take you through the most common steps associated with grieving: Numbness, Denial, Emotions, Forgiveness, Acceptance.

The Grieving Process for Adults: How All Losses Are Related

Posted on by November 10, 2014avatar
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Highway of Life

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A few weeks ago, I began a series on The Grieving Process for Adults. I invited you to take a journey with me down The Highway of Life to view losses you might have encountered on your journey through life.

As we traveled down the road together, we viewed losses that consisted of: Childhood Losses, Relationship Losses, as well as numerous Different Types of Losses, ranging in degrees from Imagined Losses to Abortion.

I hope it has widen your view to recognize losses other than the most visible ones. It is my prayer that, not only will you receive emotional and spiritual healing from every loss you have ever experienced, but it will also enable you to help children when they experience a loss.

Today, I want to briefly point out ways showing how all losses are related.

1. Everyone suffers losses — there are no exceptions.
We sometimes think that we are the only one who life throws a curve ball to and might want to have a pity party for ourselves. But, the truth of the matter is, from the young to the old, no one is exempted from experiencing a loss and the pain associated with it.

2. Losses vary in intensity and degrees, but the consequence of pain is the same.
From the loss of a car to the death of a loved one, losses may vary in intensity and degrees, but pain is pain, no matter the degree of the loss. It is the pain that God wants to heal.

3. Our response to every loss is the same until we allow the Lord to heal us of our emotional response.
Getting our emotions under control play a vital part in the healing process of a loss. Many times we are controlled by a negative emotional response starting as far back as childhood.
Therefore, it is so important to take control of a negative response, less it becomes our normal way of responding to all circumstances in life.

4. Secondary losses are those losses that are a result of the initial loss.
Example: If the initial loss is divorce, loss of trust, finances, and confidence might occur also. Each secondary loss must be identified with the initial loss.

5. Childhood losses are perceived with childlike wisdom, knowledge, and experience.
Adult situations are often handled with the same childish wisdom and knowledge if a childhood loss and its emotional response to it has not be healed.

6. Loss of identity must be traced back to how and when it was lost.
Just saying, “I don’t know who I am,” is only the starting point. “Revisiting” your life in various stages is the key to begin the process of rediscovering yourself and who you are in Christ.

7. God is a God of redemption, not condemnation, no matter what the loss.
Many women are in excruciating pain from the lingering effects of having had an abortion. However, they sit in silence because of the shame that is commonly associated with women who have had an abortion. But, the good news is: Jesus Christ is one of redemption, not one of condemnation, regardless of what we have done.

8. All losses must be mourned and go through The Grieving Process.
The Grieving Process moves us one step at a time to the acceptance stage of the loss. This doesn’t mean that you forget the loss or approve of it, it just means you won’t hurt from the loss anymore; the sting will no longer be there, and life goes on.

My friends, if you have been following me the past few weeks as I have listed the many different types of losses, perhaps you feel overwhelmed as I once did.

Allow me to re-quote the scripture that so vividly showed a picture of me in my early twenties.

Injury

“Why should ye be stricken anymore? Ye will revolt (rebel) more and more. The whole head is sick, and the whole heart faint. From the sole of the foot even unto the head, there is no soundness in it; but wounds, and bruises, and putrefying sores: they have not been closed, (healed) neither bound up, neither mollified with ointment.”

If God can take a life like mine that was sick from my head to my toe and bring healing into it, He can yours, too. It may not happen overnight — healing is a process — but I promise you, it will happen.

Join Hannah and me next week, as we define exactly what it means to grieve, its purpose, and you will also be introduced to the steps in The Grieving Process.