The Grieving Process for Adults

Posted on by October 13, 2014avatar
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Hannah_Injury_x300I was asked to teach classes on The Grieving Process for adults at my church by the late Melba Berkhimer, co-pastor of Community Church, Orange, Texas. The three month period set aside for teaching the class turned into a ten-year journey of meeting weekly with hurting adults.

Throughout the years of teaching adults, I began to see a pattern emerge from women and men who came into the class to grieve through a current loss. I witnessed them come to the realization that, not only did they need healing from a current loss, but they also realized some of their childhood hurts had not been resolved from long years ago.

With that discovery, I began to see the importance of building a foundation for children at an early stage in life to help them cope with losses. As I began researching grief in children in an effort to write a study course for my church, I came across a book, entitled Recovering from Losses in Life, by H. Norman Wright. Mr. Wright stated:

  1. Sometimes adults, unintentionally, get caught up in their own pain and they fail to recognize that their child is also hurting.
  2. Often times, a child’s pain is overlooked because children do not express their pain in ways adults recognize.
  3. Probably the #1 reason children are overlooked during times of loss is because the primary adult in the child’s life just simply doesn’t know how to help the child.

 Point #3 by Mr. Wright set the wheels of my passion for helping hurting children on fire. And so, with encouragement from my daughter, Heather Frierson, founder and editor-in-chief of Created Woman, my passion for children expanded beyond the walls of my local church.

I became determined to put into the hands of parents, grandparents, children’s ministers, school officials, lay counselors, and any caring adult a hands-on tool to implement the fundamental principles needed in helping a child find healing from the emotional scars of losses.

Thus, Helping Hurting Children: A Journey of Healing was birthed.

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This past year I have met with you weekly blogging on how you can help hurting children.

And now, my attention turns to you, the adult. As Mr. Wright stated one of the reasons why children are overlooked in a loss, is the adults in a child’s life gets caught up in their own pain and they fail to recognize that their child is also hurting. And so, for the next few weeks, I invite you to go along with me on a journey of Helping Adults grieve through losses.

I think it is only fitting to begin this journey with my own story of grieving losses that started many years ago in my young adult life. See if you can relate to my story.

“God,” I cried out, “if you will do something about this situation in my life, then I will accept you as my Savior and serve you for the rest of my life!” But God was silent!

“Where are you, don’t you care about me?” I cried out in anguish. Still, God was silent.   It became clear that God wasn’t interested in bargaining and cutting a deal with me.

Finally one day in desperation, I retreated to my bedroom and took my Bible out of my nightstand drawer. I had no idea where to start reading; after all, it had been in the drawer for years, untouched. I opened it at random, and with my eyes closed, ran my finger down the page and stopped at a certain point.

My thinking was that wherever my finger was pointing, this verse would be the answer to my current situation. Certainly I could get this problem over with quickly and move on with my life.

When I opened my eyes to read, my finger was pointing to Isaiah 1:5.

“Why should ye be stricken anymore? Ye will revolt (rebel) more and more. The whole head is sick, and the whole heart faint. From the sole of the foot even unto the head, there is no soundness in it; but wounds, and bruises, and putrefying sores: they have not been closed, (healed) neither bound up, neither mollified with ointment.”

Hannah_Injury_x150Not exactly what I had thought I would find; yet in my heart I knew that this was a picture of me. From the soles of my feet even unto my head, there was no soundness in it, just wounds, bruises, and sores that had not been healed, just like the scripture had so pointedly said.

I had tried to ignore them for years by telling myself, “I’m okay. It’s really not all that bad!” But they had a way of continuing to stick, prick, and agitate me. And yes, I knew that I was rebelling, and not serving God. What a picture this scripture had painted of me!

Shortly thereafter, I accepted Jesus Christ as my Savior. “Surely, I thought, all those wounds, bruises, and sores will now ‘go away’ and quit disrupting my life with all their annoying features.” However, just as Jesus had not accepted my plea bargain to help me while I continued to do my own thing, it appeared now as though there was a second step He wanted me to take the next step — “stop running from my problems!”

Quite to my surprise, my day of reckoning came one Sunday morning as I was getting dressed for church. Coming from the TV, I heard a minister saying, “The title of my sermon this morning is “I’ve Made Up My Mind.” The rest of the sermon did not register with me at all. However, the title got my attention and something inside me clicked. I made up my mind at that moment to do something about my wounds, and made an appointment with my pastor for the following day.

As our conversation began, I acknowledged for the first time in my life that I was psychologically, physically, emotionally, and spiritually sick. Then for the next several hours, I began going back down a muddy road I had already been down before recalling events and uncovering wounds that had held me captive for years. Three hours later when I emerged from his office, I knew that I was embarking upon a new course in life. Where it was leading me, I didn’t know; but there was one thing that I was determined to do and that was to “come back up that muddy road, put the past behind me, and press forward.”

It’s been over 30 years now since I began my journey toward freedom. Those past wounds, bruises, and sores are only a faint memory because of the healing that Jesus has done in my life.

Therefore it is my desire to help others in their plight toward healing. It is my prayer that, as we meet together each week, my writings will help you to:

  1. Identify the wounds, the bruises, and the putrefying sores, that have caused pain in your lives.
  2. Experience the hurt, feel the emotion, and accept the Lord’s comfort in the mist of your pain.                      
  3. The final purpose for all of us is to be able to fulfill the words of Paul in II. Cor. 1:3-4:

OUT OF THE COMFORT GOD HAS COMFORTED US, MAY WE GO FORTH AND COMFORT OTHERS.   (Paraphrased)

Have you made up your mind to begin your journey toward healing and wholeness? If so, join Hannah (my granddaughter & illustrator) and me here next week. Perhaps the people you will comfort first will be hurting children.

May God bless you as you begin your journey.

Signs of a Grieving Child

Posted on by September 9, 2014avatar
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Hannah stop lookWith school starting all across the nation, my posts the past few weeks have been devoted to calling attention to kids who need “a helping hand” as they begin the new school year. If you missed my previous posts on those kids, click onto these links: The New Kid in School, Kids With Special Needs, Kids Who are Overscheduled, Grieving Children.

Today, I want to expand on grieving children; those children who have experienced a loss. Keep in mind that losses come in many shapes and forms, such as:

  • being bullied at school or in the neighborhood
  • not making the football team for the coming year
  • a friend saying: “I don’t want to play with you anymore”
  • being sick or the illness of a loved one
  • having a family member in jail
  • having a family member addicted to drugs or alcohol
  • experiencing natural disasters
  • witnessing school violence
  • making a move to a new place

To shed light on the signs parents and educators need to be aware of a child in grief, may I introduce you to my special guest, Gail Johnson, a licensed professional counselor.

Gail has spent years counseling adults, children, and teens, so I wanted to do an interview with her to help us get an over-all picture of a child in grief, and how we might begin to help him. I was privileged to have Gail endorse my book, Helping Hurting Children: A Journey of Healing.

1. Gail, how did you come to choose counseling as your career field?
I began my career as a hairdresser. I was very interested in people and realized that if I really wanted to help people I needed to learn all I could. So, I left hairdressing, went to school and eventually became a Licensed Professional Counselor.

2. Tell us about your work in counseling families over the years.
Most of my work with younger children occurred when I worked at a school with P-K through 12th grade enrollment. I have also worked with at-risk children and adolescents, with adults in prison and with addicted teens and adults. Investigating their histories, I had the opportunity to see how these problems, particular problems of loss, followed the children on into their adult lives.

Divorce and abandonment were the two prevalent issues. Abandonment is a natural result of one parent leaving the home. However, the custodial parent is often so overwhelmed with his or her own loss that the child feels emotionally abandoned by them also.

Of course, there were other losses as well including death, moving, loss of friends and pets.

3. What are some of the behavioral signs that children and teens might exhibit that would indicate he needs help in dealing with a loss?
Look for changes from the norm. Expect some temporary regression in younger children. Their emotions will usually show up in their behavior and play. Monitor anger and aggression in older children and adolescents. Copious information is readily available on how children grieve at different developmental stages.

Children’s sadness and negative behavioral changes should gradually decrease over time. If those negative behaviors are extreme or do not gradually begin to get better, say two to six months, it may be time for an evaluation by a professional.

Some signs children may need help are:

      • Appearing trapped in a grief stage, unable to move on
      • Continuing to exhibit chronic psychosomatic health problems
      • Displaying acting-out behaviors and bad school performance
      • No decrease of bad dreams or other fearful behavior and anxiety

Get professional help immediately if the child becomes physically abusive to self or others as a means of coping with his anger and depression, or if there is suicidal ideation.

4. What advice can you give to parents, grandparents, foster parents, or any caring adult that they could use in helping a child in grief?
Invite children to talk about their feelings and let them know you are available when they want to talk. Reassure them that they will be taken care of.

If the parent must be unavailable for the child, like making funeral arrangements, etc., assign a loving adult to stay close to the child.

Keep to normal routines as much as possible.

Teachers and other adults interacting with the child need to be made aware of the situation.

Help children move from grieving to cherishing memories.

5. Final thoughts of your own that you would like to share with our readers.
Children’s grief needs to be acknowledged. They need to be involved in the grieving process and allowed to mourn in the company of relatives and peers. Issues of loss and grief are best worked through as they occur and not delayed to be worked out years later, if ever.

And that, my friends, is spoken by one who has spent her adult life counseling those who are hurting. I want to thank Gail for joining us and shedding light on this subject of losses and grief in children.

Are you seeing any of those behavior patterns in your child’s life that Gail described? Psalm 127:3 says: “Children are a heritage of the Lord.” God has given us a treasure when He gave us children, so let’s work together to help them.

Be sure to join Hannah and me right here again next Tuesday.

One last thing, would you please allow me to send a short message to Hannah, my granddaughter and illustrator:

“Hannah, I am so proud of you and I am so glad you are continuing this journey with me for the second year in a row!

You, too, are helping Hurting Children by faithfully helping your Nana get the message out each week.”

“High Five to You!”

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Grieving Children

Posted on by September 9, 2014avatar
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help childrenWith school starting all across the nation, my posts have been devoted to calling attention to kids who need “a helping hand” as they begin the new school year.  If you missed my previous posts on those kids, click onto these links: The New Kid in School, Kids With Special Needs, and Kids Who are Overscheduled.

As the school year begins, it saddens me to think that some of our children are returning to school this fall who are grieving a loss in their lives since school ended for the summer.  I am reminded of a fourteen year old young man who lost his mom.

Still other children are entering a new school year having had to face the divorce of their parents.  Others are entering the school year due to a move to a new location, which can also be a terrifying experience for a child.

Sadly for these children, the excitement of a new year of school is just not there, as they are trying to make adjustments to a new life because of their loss.

So, my post today is to bring awareness once again, as I have been trying to do this past year, of what loss means and how to help a child in grief. I’d like to recap a few things I have written about in my efforts to help hurting children for those of you in are new to my site.

Let’s start off with the definition of a loss.

Loss, a separation from someone or something of value to you, occurs in many different shapes and forms, and carries with it hurt and pain.

For example:

  • being bullied at school or in the neighborhood
  • not making the football team for the coming year
  • a friend saying: “I don’t want to play with you anymore”
  • being sick or the illness of a loved one
  • having a family member in jail
  • having a family member addicted to drugs or alcohol
  • experiencing natural disasters
  • witnessing school violence

Oh, how I wish that you and I could protect our children from losses and the pain and hurt that accompanies it.  But, unfortunately we can’t because —

 losses are a normal part of life, even in the lives of children.

For the most part, we know very little about losses or what to do with them when they occur.  Children, in particular, are often over-looked during a time of loss and the pain that accompanies it.  Why?

  1. Sometimes adults, unintentionally, get caught up in their own pain and they fail to recognize that their child is also hurting.
  2.  Often times, a child’s pain is overlooked because children do not express their pain in ways adults recognize.
  3. In his book, Recovering From Losses in Life, Norman H. Wright, stated that: “Probably the #1 reason children are overlooked during times of loss is because the primary adult in the child’s life just simply doesn’t know how to help the child.”

Let’s see if we can relate to each of these three scenarios:

#1:  As a parent, I can certainly vouch that #1 above occurred in my own children’s lives as they were growing up. Once they became adults, they brought up several instances from their childhood that I instantly knew I had overlooked because I was caught up in me and my pain.

#2:  As a former school teacher, I witnessed scenario #2 in many children.  They were exhibiting bad behavior, even to the point of having to be punished. Yet, many times, the deeper I dug into things that were going on in their world, I would soon realize that they were acting out the pain of a loss.  They simply didn’t know how to express their pain in ways that perhaps the primary adult in their lives recognized.

#3:  I believe Mr. Wright hit the nail on the head, so to speak:  “most of us simply do not know how to help a child who has experienced a loss.” 

And #3, my friends, is exactly what inspired me to write my book, Helping Hurting Children: A Journey of Healing — to give guidelines of how to help a child in grief to parents, grandparents, children’s ministers, school officials, lay counselors, or any caring adult. That is also the reason why my granddaughter, Hannah, and I blog each week

Obviously, we don’t have all the answers, but our heart and passion is for hurting children, so we give it our best shot from extensive reading, as well as some good old common sense approaches we have learned along the way.

So, I hope you continue to join Hannah and me right here each Tuesday for another school year.  Meanwhile, why not check out my website for Suggestions for Using the Workbook, and get involved with us.

Let’s you and I work together as caring adults to become the catalyst in helping that precious child in your life grow into adulthood free of hurts from his childhood.