Answering Children’s Questions About Moving

Posted on by June 17, 2014avatar
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MovingToday, I continue my series answering questions children may have on specific losses. My purpose in writing about this is two-fold: (1) to bring awareness to the questions a child might ask so you will not be surprised and (2) to dispel misguided answers adults sometime make in answering questions about a child’s loss.

Included in this series will be questions on death, divorce, making a move, and the loss of a pet. Also included in this series will be tips for adults concerning bullying and self-esteem, which, unfortunately, kids may face on a daily basis. As you read my answers, consider using them as a guide with the child with whom you are comforting. It will also be a time to interject scriptures to enhance the child’s spiritual growth. Be sure to click onto the link provided should you miss any posts during this series.

Today, I will be listing questions children ask about making a move. Before you begin, let’s quickly review some important points to remember when answering a child’s questions about any loss.

  1. It is best to always be honest rather than “sugar-coating” the answers in an effort to shield and protect him. The more clearly you answer his questions, the faster he will move forward in coping with his loss.
  2. If you do not know the answer to a question he asks, it is okay to say, “I don’t know.” Giving him an answer you are not sure of will only add to his confusion.
  3. Answer questions briefly; children aren’t looking for a long drawn out lecture.
  4. Should you feel the need to ask the child a question, it is very important how you phrase the question. Children often respond the way they think adults want them to respond; therefore asking questions that require a “Yes” or “No” answer should be avoided.

So, let’s get started with common questions about moving.

1. Why do I have to move?
Obviously, the answer to this question will vary according to the family’s circumstances. Job transfers, divorce, death of a spouse, finances — all play a role in why a family makes a move. Whatever the reason for the move, try to explain as simply as you can why the move must occur. He still may not fully understand, but at least you are letting him know all his questions about the move are important.

2. What does the new place look like?
If the move involves moving out of town or state, try to take him to the place prior to the move if at all possible. This helps him feel more secure, and it may even get him excited about the move. If it is not feasible to visit the new place with him, check out books from the library, write the Chamber of Commerce, or help him search the internet for information about his new city.

3. Will I be able to take my dog?
The answer to this question obviously depends on the circumstances of the move. If you are moving to an apartment complex, some complexes will not allow pets. If for some other reason the pet cannot make the move with the family, make it a point to discuss options with the child about what to do with the pet so that he is comfortable with the place and people where his pet will be living.

4. Will I get to see my friends again?
Never give a child false hope that he will see his current friends in the near future. In reality, that may not be possible, so don’t give him a false hope just to make him feel good at the time. Honest is always the best policy. However, make sure the child realizes that his current friends will always have a special place in his heart, and can never be replaced. Point out to him also that he definitely will be making memories with his new friends in his next place of living.

An added note for adults to remember:

  • Make the last few weeks before moving a fun time for your child with his friends. Have a party and get all their cell phone numbers, addresses, etc.
  • Pay a visit to special people in the community, church, or school who has made an impact on his life.
  • Be sure to take plenty of pictures of your house, his room, and favorite places in town.

And that my friends, are just a few of the questions children might ask about moving. It is a scary thing for a child when he has to suddenly leave his best friend, give up his position on the soccer team, and be the new kid in class.

My family made a move to another state when my two daughters were 11 and 15 due to a job transfer. Because they seemed to adapt socially, I was not aware that the move had such an impact on them until years later.

Looking back, I would have done more to help them, particularly in regards to putting their trust and faith in God to take care of them. I now see how the story of Abraham could have been used to teach a lesson in faith, no matter what the age.

Believe me I know it is hard for a child in our high tech world to visualize leaving town and moving to another state without having no internet service to send them an email or a cell phone to text message or call. It’s hard for a child in our day and time to visualize that scene even if they did not have to move.

But, point out to him that that is exactly what Abraham had to face when God called him to pack up and move to another country. “Leave your own country behind you, and your own people, and go to the land I will guide you to.” (Genesis 12:1 – TLB)

Even though Abraham did not have the technology we have today to help him adjust to his new move, he had a very special tool in his life to help him adjust to the new changes brought on by the move. That tool was faith in God.

Encourage the child to memorize Hebrews 11:1 and let his faith in God work during the move the same way it worked for Abraham.

Join Hannah and me right here next week as we answer questions children ask about the loss of a pet.

Answering Children’s Questions About Divorce

Posted on by June 17, 2014avatar
1

divorce-scissorsToday, I continue my series answering questions children may have on specific losses. My purpose in writing about this is two-fold: (1) to bring awareness to the questions a child might ask so you will not be surprised and (2) to dispel misguided answers adults sometime make in answering questions about a child’s loss.

Included in this series will be questions on death, divorce, making a move, and the loss of a pet. Also included in this series will be tips for adults concerning bullying and self-esteem, which, unfortunately, kids may face on a daily basis. As you read my answers, consider using them as a guide with the child with whom you are comforting. It will also be a time to interject scriptures to enhance the child’s spiritual growth. Be sure to click onto the link provided should you miss any posts during this series.

Today, I will be listing questions children ask about divorce. Before you begin, let’s quickly review some important points to remember when answering a child’s questions about any loss.

  1. It is best to always be honest rather than “sugar-coating” the answers in an effort to shield and protect him. The more clearly you answer his questions, the faster he will move forward in coping with his loss.
  2. If you do not know the answer to a question he asks, it is okay to say, “I don’t know.” Giving him an answer you are not sure of will only add to his confusion.
  3. Answer questions briefly; children aren’t looking for a long drawn out lecture.
  4. Should you feel the need to ask the child a question, it is very important how you phrase the question. Children often respond the way they think adults want them to respond; therefore asking questions that require a “Yes” or “No” answer should be avoided.

So, let’s get started with common questions about divorce.

1. Is the divorce my fault?
Can you imagine a child feeling plagued with guilt thinking he might have done something to have caused the divorce of his parents? Though I grew up in a two parent family, I well know the feeling of guilt concerning many issues in my life. For further information on how to teach children the difference between True and False Guilt, see my post about True Guilt vs. False Guilt.

As for divorce, an example you might say to him as a means of reassuring him is: “If two of your friends got into a fight while you were sitting at home watching TV, did you cause the fight?” Absolutely not, so there is nothing you did or didn’t do that caused the breakup of your parents — it was their decision.”

2. If the divorce is not my fault, whose fault is it, Mom or Dad’s?
Every counselor’s book I have ever read about divorce stresses this point to parents: Divorce is about change, not blame. I couldn’t agree more with this statement. It only hurts the child more for parents to bad mouth one another. Instead of blaming and having him worry about who is to blame, encourage the child to think about how he can adjust to a new chapter in his life.

3. If my parents stopped loving one another, does that mean they will stop loving me?
Heartbreaking question, indeed, so it is a must for parents to reassure the child that: “Your parents will never stop loving you.” “We divorced each other, not you!” You might also seize the moment to try to explain to the child that love has many faces and are special in their own way, such as:

  • The love between a child and grandparents
  • The love between two friends
  • The love between man and woman
  • The love between parents and their child

4. Is the divorce forever? What can I do to fix it?
Because children cannot see into the “big picture” of grown-up problems, it is normal for them to think the divorce might be temporary and that their parents will get back together again. Sometimes that happens, but statistics on divorce say it is very rare. Sometimes, children even think that if they are extra nice and work hard at being a good kid, they can fix their parents’ problems.

It is best to be honest with the child and try not to build false hope that they will get back together again, and by all means, assure him that he is a good kid, and this divorce has nothing to do with him/her — the problem is with each other and he cannot fix it.

5. Issues that need to be discussed with the child that will vary from family to family are:

  • the changes that are going to take place in his life
  • custody arrangements
  • holidays

Obviously, these issues should be discussed with the child as soon as possible to help him feel secure, and not left wondering “what is going to happen to me?”

6. Do I still have a family?
Thankfully, I have not had a divorce in my immediate family, but one of the most heart-breaking questions a grandmother once told me her 10 year-old-grandson asked her when his parents divorced was: “Grandma, do I still have a family?”

It was obvious that, in his young mind, he was defining family as “a mom and dad and their kids all living in the same house together forever.” The truth of the matter is that is the way God intended it in the beginning. Unfortunately, it doesn’t always happen that way.

This Grandmother said she had to come up quickly with an answer for her grandson to assure and comfort him. In doing so, she re-defined the meaning of a family for him in the following way.

Family means people who provide
love, support, advise, comfort, time, and friendship to each other.

She concluded with having him name some of the people whom he felt had given those things to him. Without missing a beat, the young boy began calling out a list that included his grandparents, close friends, cousins, aunts, uncles, school teachers, children’s pastor, and concluded with Mom and Dad. (Yes, even mom and dad were on his list.)

Friends, my heart breaks when I hear about families splitting up. But, all my crying and sympathizing does them no good – I must do my part in helping them. Hillary Clinton once wrote a book entitled: It takes a Village to Raise a Child. More and more in this day and time, I have come to believe that is true.

Won’t you join me in my crusade to help hurting children cope with the losses in their lives. Click onto my website for further information as to how you can become involved.

Join Hannah and me right here next week as we try to answer questions kids ask about making a move.

Answering Children’s Questions About Death

Posted on by June 17, 2014avatar
2

cross-graveWhen a child experiences a loss or knows of someone who has, questions may arise out of his struggle to understand the concept of what is happening. You, as a caring adult, may be stumped as to how to respond to his questions.

For the next few weeks, I will be answering a series of questions children might ask about death, divorce, making a move, and the loss of a pet. Obviously, there are many more losses children encounter, but I chose these specific losses because they are the most common ones. Also included in this series will be tips for adults concerning bullying and self-esteem, which, unfortunately, kids may face on a daily basis.

It is my hope this series will bring an awareness to, not only questions children might ask, but to dispel some misguided answers adults sometime make in answering questions about a child’s loss. As you read my answers, consider using them as a guide with the child with whom you are comforting. It will also be a time to interject scripture to enhance the child’s spiritual growth.

Please keep in mind four points when answering a child’s questions about any loss:

  1. It is best to always be honest rather than “sugar-coating” the answers in an effort to shield and protect him. The more clearly you answer his questions, the faster he will move forward in coping with his loss.
  2. If you do not know the answer to a question he asks, it is okay to say, “I don’t know.” Giving him an answer you are not sure of will only add to his confusion.
  3. Answer questions briefly; children aren’t looking for a long drawn out lecture.
  4. Should you feel the need to ask the child a question, it is very important how you phrase the question. Children often respond the way they think adults want them to respond; therefore asking questions that require a “Yes” or “No” answer should be avoided.

So, let’s get started with common questions about death.

1. Why do people die?
The Bible says in Ecclesiastes 3:2: “there is a time to be born and a time to die.” (KJV) That means all living things must die, which would include people of all different ages and also plants and animals.

2. What causes death?
For this question, be sure to include all the ways people die and explain each of the ways, such as: old age, sickness, accidents, murder, suicide, and miscarriage. I list miscarriage because children are sometimes faced with their own mothers being pregnant and then have a miscarriage. A way you might answer their “what happened” question is: “The baby was just too weak to grow and develop in my body.”

3. Where do people go after they die?
The Bible says in 11 Corinthians 5:8: “To be absent from the body (as in death) is to be present with the Lord.” (KJV) Most Christian faiths believe that our spirits go to heaven to be with Jesus when we die, and their bodies remain in the grave.

4. What about me? When am I going to die?
When a child loses a loved one, it is only natural to start thinking more about death in regards to himself, as well as his remaining loved ones. That is okay as long as he doesn’t dwell on it for a long period of time. Although he should realize that death is a reality, it is important to stress to him that there are many wonderful things for him to experience in life. It is an excellent time to say to him: “Live your life to the fullest, and strive to become all that God has created you to be.”

5. Sometimes I hear adults say when someone dies that they are just sleeping. When will they wake up?
Can we agree to put an end to this type of verbiage? Telling the child “he is only sleeping,” leads him to believe his loved one will wake up, only adding to his confusion. Tell the child very gently that death is permanent and cannot be reversed.

6. I heard someone say that it was God’s will and a part of his plan for my mom to die.
Adults sometimes confuse God’s role in death. Think about it: “Do we really want children to think that it was God’s will for a drunken driver to run head on into the path of a young mother?” What kind of picture does that paint of God? Our job as caring adults is to help children have a healthy time of grieving, not one of confusion. Teach him about the God of love and comfort.

7. What am I going to tell my friends at school?
Death can be an awkward time for a child around his friends, as well as an awkward time for his friends to know what to say or not to say. Before he faces his friends at school or church after the death of his loved one, help him come up with a plan he can use to help “break the ice.” This could ease the situation for both he and his friends.

8. Since my dad died, is it my responsibility to take care of my mom?
Adults are not a child’s responsibility. They should not be made to feel they should be the one to make their remaining parent happy; they should be allowed to have their own grieving time. However, it is also an excellent time to encourage the child to do chores around the house that might be of help to his parent who is also grieving.

And that, my friends, is just a few questions you might encounter. To be honest, even adults have many questions about death. The Bible says in 1 Corinthians 13:12: “For now, we see through a glass darkly; but then face to face; now I know in part.” (KIV)

The word NOW in this verse means at the present time we are living here on this earth. Just like looking through a dark and dirty mirror, we can’t see everything clearly, so we won’t know everything there is to know about death NOW in our present life.

However, we do have a responsibility as caring adults to be open and honest to answer questions we do know about death, rather than making it a taboo subject. It helps a child to be comfortable in expressing his emotions on the subject.

Join Hannah and me right here next week when we answer questions on divorce.

In the meantime, in the comment section, leave me a question that you might not know how to answer for your child. I will do my best to find out the answer for you.