Supporting a Grieving Child: Look For The Signs

Posted on by November 4, 2013avatar
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In my post last week, Supporting a Grieving Child: Listen, we discovered that there are times when it is so important to remain silent and give a child time and space to share his story of what is going on in his life during a time of grief.  One of the main things that being silent and  “Listening” accomplishes is that it builds a trusting relationship between the child and the adult; one in which the child begins to feel safe to share his feelings without being judged.

Today, I want to list another way in this series of how to support a grieving child and that is: Look for the Signs.  By that I mean, look for signs that suggests the child is not acting in accordance with his normal behavior.

I’d like to begin by quoting Linda Goldman, professional grief therapist and counselor:

“The adult world often judges and labels children negatively for their behaviors.  Many of our children are often labeled ADD or ADHD, “slow learners” or troublemakers – – and when they spiral down far enough, they are then criminalized, hospitalized, or buried.”

Linda goes on to say that this is happening because “the adult world does not recognize the signs of grief in a child.  If we did, then we could help them before their pleas turn into screams and before the screams are forever silenced.”

Wow!  What a thought provoking statement coming from a professional grief therapist.  As a former school teacher, I confess that I sent kids to the principal’s office for punishment many times only to discover that this little “troublemaker” in my class was going through a very difficult time in his life at the time.

Let me clarify 2 important points before going any further:

  1. Perhaps Linda Goldman would agree with me that there are definitely situations when a child has been accurately diagnosed as being ADD or ADHD.  But, what her statement strongly suggests to me is the importance of parents, educators, or any adult associated with a child to share with one another noticeable changes in behavior.  This could be a strong force in differentiating between ADD, ADHD, troublemakers, and grief.
  2. May I hasten to point out also that not all “troublemakers” or kids with behavioral problems is a result of grief.  It is what many of us in the “olden days” were taken out behind the barn and given a paddling for – – plain old disobedience.  (But that is a completely different story)  I might add that, in my children’s workbook, I discuss healthy ways for children to respond, even in grief.

Having said all of that, let’s proceed with our topic today:  Changes in normal behavior.

Look for the Signs:
Changes in Normal Behavior

  • Not eating well
  • Trouble sleeping or having nightmares
  • Bed-wetting
  • Become withdrawn and unsociable
  • Not completing schoolwork
  • Problems listening and concentrating on school work
  • Bursts of anger in the form of hitting and punching others
  • Difficulty in following directions
  • Acting out as the class clown to draw attention to himself
  • Stop participating in activities he normally enjoys
  • Physical Changes:  It is true that grief sometimes brings with it stomach aches, headaches, or other tension related symptoms in the child’s body.  However, if these physical pains persist, it is best to have them checked out by a doctor rather than assuming it is all grief related.

This list, coming from the professionals who deal with children in grief on a daily basis, just further confirms to me that lay people, such as parents, grandparents, school officials, children’s pastors, or any caring adult can get involved in supporting a grieving child by first being aware of some of the signs to look for.

Psalm 127:3 says:  “Children are a heritage of the Lord.”  My friend, God has given us a treasure when He gave us children.

“Wouldn’t it just thrill you to know that you have been an instrument God
has used to help a child before they spiral downward far enough
that they are criminalized, hospitalized, or buried,” as Linda Goldman stated.

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Thanks for joining Hannah and me this week.  Next week we will continue this series on ways to Support a Grieving Child.  In the meantime, in the comment section, list any changes in normal behavior you might have witnessed from a child in your life.

One last thing, would you please allow me to send a short message to Hannah, my granddaughter and illustrator:  “Hannah, I am so proud of you and I am so glad you are on this journey with me!  You, too, are helping Hurting Children by faithfully helping your Nana get the message out each week.”

“High Five to You!”

High-Five

Supporting a Grieving Child: Listen

Posted on by September 30, 2013avatar
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In my post last week, Facts About Losses, I stated that children have many misconceptions about that little word, Loss.  In view of this, I listed several facts that adults could use in helping a child clear up misconceptions or wrong thinking he might have developed about any loss.

Today, we are going to begin taking a look at one of the first steps that is commonly associated with The Grieving Process – Numb.  My friend and mentor on The Grieving Process, the late Melba Berkheimer, defined numb as:

The state of shock immediately following a loss. The tranquilizer that helps you get through the initial onslaught.

Children are more apt to define its meaning through association or by drawing a picture of how it feels.

For example: When I asked my nine-year-old granddaughter, Hannah, to draw a picture of what she thought numb meant in regards to a loss, she immediately replied:  “Numb is when you don’t know what is going on, like I don’t know what to think!”  (Thus a big question mark plays on the mind, as she indicated in her illustration this week.)  Other children have described it as a feeling as though they were sleepwalking. Some have said they felt as though they were walking around in a fog.

No matter how we define numb or what we compare the feeling of numbness to, I think we can safely say that our feelings have disappeared or our feelings are gone, because we really don’t feel anything when we are numb.

The Bible tells the story about a man named Job who lost his family, servants, animals, and money in a short period of time.  When his friends came to visit him, they sat on the ground and no one spoke a word, including Job, for seven days and nights.  I’d say Job was numb, wouldn’t you?  (Job 2:13)

The question is:  “How can I help a child through this stage, or any stage of grief for that matter?”  As we begin our journey together of getting involved in helping a child in grief, we are going to learn many ways of supporting them; some that have been right at our finger tips all along, but just might possibly have been overlooked.

Today, let’s look at perhaps what could be considered the #1 way of supporting a grieving child:

L I S T E N !

Think back to the story of Job.  His friends at that point were not saying anything.  They were just there for him, without a word being spoken.  Can I tell you that in an effort to soothe the hurt, adults sometimes rush in too quickly and began talking.  They want to give advice, or offer up opinions when all the child really wants for the time being is to just share his story without passing judgment on him for what he says or how he feels.

How do I know this to be true? As the saying goes, I’ve been there, done that to my own children, only to discover later that I missed some important messages that they wanted to share while I was running my mouth.

Quite obviously, we shouldn’t expect children to tell much of their story when they are still numb. However, as Job’s friends did, just sitting in silence is listening and supporting. Not only that, it is building a trusting relationship with the child for when he does begin to talk.

And relationship, my friend, is what Jesus wants from all of us.  Think it not strange that He desires for us to build relationships with one another, especially children?

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Thanks for joining Hannah and me this week.  Next week we will continue the series we started today based on ways of Supporting a Grieving Child. In the meantime, in the comment section, answer this question: “Are you a good listener for the child in your life?” If not, begin by listing in the comments section what steps you need to take to become a better listener?

Facts About Losses

Posted on by September 23, 2013avatar
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In my post last week, Catch the Vision: Get Involved, I introduced you to people who had caught the vision of hurting children, and immediately got involved to help children in grief.

I am happy to say that another group joined in the cause this past week.  I was privileged to speak to The Golden K Kiwanis Club in my town of Orange, Texas.  As I was talking about how divorce is a big issue in children’s lives today, a retired school teacher spoke up and said:

“What’s so sad is that many children
think the divorce of their parents is their fault.”

Yes, sadly, children develop “It’s My Fault Syndrome,” along with other misconceptions about that little word, Loss. So, today, I want to briefly list some Facts About Losses that perhaps you can use to help a child who might have developed wrong thinking about any loss.

Let’s begin with his “hurt,” which is what our primary focus is all about.

Fact # 1:  All Losses Hurt Inside
Kids are used to Mom putting a band-aid on a bleeding knee from a fall.  But, when their feelings are hurting way deep down inside of them, the hurt can’t be seen, but they know something is causing them pain. And yes, it hurts so badly that it feels like a big bolt of lightning has hit them inside.

Fact #2:  Losses Are Not Their Fault
As already mentioned, children often think their parents’ divorce is their fault.  Some even think the death of a loved one is their fault. “If I had prayed more for my dad, he wouldn’t have died.” Make sure the child understands that things he has no control over is not his fault and that there is nothing he could have done to have stopped the loss from happening.

Fact #3:  Losses Cannot Be Replaced
Sometimes adults want to protect children from further hurt by offering them a replacement for whatever they have lost. For example: Suppose he had a pet to die.  Not wanting to see the child hurting, parents might want to replace the pet with another pet quickly.  Of course, it is okay to get another pet, but the child needs to understand that the pet he lost cannot be replaced, just like any loss he experiences.

Fact #4:  Everyone Suffers Losses
Sometimes when children have a loss, they think they are the only one having to go through a particular situation.  Let them know that people of all ages experience losses: moms, dads, boys, girls, teenagers, and grandparents.

Fact #5:  Losses Create Questions in His Mind
Losses create a lot of questions on a child’s mind, and their questions deserve an honest answer. Example:  “Why do people die?”  “If Mom and Dad no longer love each other, does that mean they don’t love me either?”  “Did my pet go to heaven when he died?” In the Adult Reference Guide, I listed questions children might ask about several different losses, along with suggested answers to those questions, so the adult won’t be caught off guard.

Fact #6:  Losses Bring Changes Into Life
Be prepared to explain to the child that his life will be different and not the same because the loss has changed it.  And by all means, talk with him about the changes his particular loss might incur.

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I started with Fact #1:  All Losses Hurt Inside, and I’d like to conclude with that.  In my book, I tell the children about the first time that God experienced a loss and hurt inside.  I think it is fitting for even us adults to think back on that time, and be reminded that, because He hurt, He understands when all of us hurt.

Just for the record, His first hurt occurred when Adam and Eve sinned.  Their sin separated them from God and He lost their friendship, as well as all the other people born into the world after them.  This loss of friendship made God hurt inside for the whole world.

But, aren’t you glad that He sent His son Jesus into the world to shed His blood to forgive us of our sins, so that our friendship with Him could be restored when we accepted Him as our Savior?

As wonderful as that is, God sent Jesus into the world to do something else, too.

“He has sent me to heal the broken-hearted.”
(Luke 4:18 NKJV)

 And that my friend, apart from salvation, is our most precious gift.

Join Hannah and me next week.  Oh yes, my grandchildren, Hannah and Zach, are back from their vacation to Disney World, and Hannah is ready to continue our journey together.

Hannah-Zach-Disney-World