Forgiving Others: Misconceptions, Hang-ups, Stumbling Blocks – Part II

Posted on by May 25, 2015avatar
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MisconceptionColossians 3:13 says: “Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.”

For the past couple of weeks, I have been writing on Forgiving Others; explaining the reasons why, as well as the misconceptions we sometimes have about what forgiving others means.

In my post last week, I pointed out five misconceptions that sometimes become stumbling blocks that keep us from passing on the forgiveness that Christ has given us to others.

You can read them in detail here. Just briefly those misconceptions were:

  1. I Don’t Feel Like Forgiving
  2. They Are Not Sorry They Hurt Me
  3. Forgiveness verses Reconciliation
  4. Forgiving and Forgetting
  5. They Don’t Deserve to be Forgiven for the Way They Treated Me

Today, I want to list 5 more misconceptions in the hope that we can dispel those ideas by throwing them in the garbage can, as Hannah has illustrated, and begin to live in freedom.

1. Time Heals All Wounds
Have you seen people replay events that took place years and years ago, along with the bitterness and anger toward the people they feel caused them the hurt? If time within itself healed, one would think “umpteen” years would be enough time.

Dr. Phil McGraw says it like this: “Time does not heal all wounds; it’s what we do with time that heals.”

I believe what he is saying is that there must be an active participation with time. Working through the anger caused by the hurt, and choosing to forgive paves the way to healing.

May we use our time wisely, so that our convalescent period from a wounded heart is shorten.

2. Forgiveness is Not Ceasing to Feel the Pain
When we make the choice to forgive, that does not mean that the pain of the hurt magically disappears. I personally believe that in making the choice to forgive, the process of healing does begin, but the pain does not go away overnight.

Some of you have had horrible things done to you. It would be so cruel of me to say, “Well, if you’ve forgiven them, it shouldn’t hurt anymore.”

Let me try to connect the dots and explain it this way: Suppose you had a very bad wound on your arm. The doctor may bandage the wound, prescribe antibiotics to keep infection down, or it some cases, he might decide surgery is needed.

Whatever method is used, it takes time for the wound to completely heal, and the pain does not magically disappear, no matter what method the doctor chooses to use. However, leaving the wound open on your arm would damage it more.

I see that as the way it is with forgiveness. Choosing to forgive does not cause the pain to disappear overnight; but leaving the wound open only brings about more opportunities for bitterness to come in and stir up infection in the heart.

3. Forgiveness is Not a Green Light for Trusting
This is where the rubber meets the road, so to speak. Surely you heard or even experienced stories like these:

  • “My dad molested me. He said he’s sorry. Can he babysit my kids?” Answer: “No way!”
  • “My boyfriend or husband hit me, but he said he’s sorry. Should we just pick up where we left off and keep going?” Answer: “No way.”

You see, trust must be built slowly over time. Some people can and should be trusted in time if they have repented and gotten help. Other people should never be trusted again because the risk is simply too high. This is particularly true with children who are vulnerable. We need to be careful with whom we trust.

So, how can we apply this to forgiveness? My friend and mentor, the late Melba Berkeheimer said it this way: “I had a very close friend whom I confided deep personal things to, only to find out that she had told other people the things I had confided to her. As a Christian, I knew I was to forgive her, but what was I to do about this friendship?”

Melba goes on to say how the scripture in Matthew 5:38-39 answered her question as to what she felt she must do in regard to forgiveness vs. retaliation. “You have heard that it was said, ‘An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth. But I tell you not to resist an evildoer. On the contrary, whoever slaps you on the right cheek, turn the other to him as well.” (ISV)

Melba concluded that: “I forgive you on this side of my cheek, but on the other side of my cheek, I will never tell you anything else, and you will no longer be my close friend.”

Forgiveness was given, but trust was lost, and measures had to be taken to ensure that the event never happened again.

4. Forgiving is Not Enabling
The story in 1 Samuel 2:27-29 of how Eli looked the other way as his sons sinned against the Lord is an example of enabling.

Eli was head priest and was given charge over the Tabernacle. His sons were scoundrels who would take the best of the offerings for themselves, and if the worshipers complained, they would take it by force. They were also seducing the young women who served at the entrance of the tabernacle.

Eli was aware of his sons’ behavior, and confronted them; however, he continued to allow his sons to serve as priests. Eventually Eli lost his priesthood, his sons died, and God placed restrictions on the entire family.

I conclude that:

  • You can forgive someone without enabling their sin. If you have a friend or a family member who is an addict, for example, you can forgive them without enabling them in their addiction.
  • Forgiving can even include confronting and rebuking, and sometimes it must. As in the case with Eli, he confronted, but he did not follow through; thereby enabling his sons to continue in their sins.

5. Forgiveness and Final Justice
By now, you might be saying: “But if I forgive them, where’s the justice?”

Justice comes ultimately from Jesus. Either the one who hurt you will come to faith in Christ and you will get your justice at the cross, where Jesus’ blood was shed in their place for their sins as it was for your sin.

Or, if they remain unrepentant, your forgiving them does not mean that they are off the hook by our Lord. They’ve sinned against you and God, but as you forgive them, you’re leaving them to Jesus.

If they live in a state of unrepentance and they don’t come to Jesus for forgiveness, they will stand before Jesus in the end, paying their eternal debt to the living God.

So, in forgiving someone, we are not neglecting justice. We’re leaving it to the perfect judge to enact perfect justice. And we forgive in light of that.

I probably could list more misconceptions, and perhaps you might have other questions. These are the ones that I am most familiar with, so I will leave it at that.

On a personal note, having taught classes on The Grieving Process for many years, I got a close up view of the pain and hurt that can be inflicted by others. I also got a close up view of the struggle good people sometimes have as they dealt with the hurt, along with forgiveness.

May I say that in the scope of the big picture, I believe with all my heart that we do have to pass on forgiveness. I think it is like a magnet. When we don’t forgive, we will be drawn back to that person and the circumstances surrounding them and we cannot go forward.

However, in saying that, how well I know that there are those people who would want to press the issue of forgiveness with a hurting person before they are ready, thus putting a guilt trip on an already badly wounded person.

To that I say, just look over them. I am sure their intentions are good, but their timing is out of line. Remember that the Lord sees where you are in the process and will gently guide you to the very time and place when He knows you are ready to forgive. To that I say, “please don’t resist His gentle nudge.”

Join Hannah and me next week as I tell my own personal story on “How to Bless Your Enemies:” a step I refer to as Beyond Forgiveness.

Forgiving Others: Misconceptions, Hang-ups, Stumbling Blocks – Part 1

Posted on by May 18, 2015avatar
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MisconceptionI am currently writing a series on Forgiveness by taking a journey around The Cross to see the full process of what forgiveness entails.

Last week, we made a stop at Forgiving Others. Colossians 3:13 says: “Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.

This scripture paints the picture of what we should do for those who have offended us — what Christ has done for us, “Pass It On.” I outlined 4 reasons why we should Pass On Forgiveness to others. If you missed it, you may view them here.

Personally, I went for many years refusing to pass on to others what Christ had done for me. You see, I had my own ideas about what forgiving others meant. Most of the ideas did not have any biblical basis to them, but they had become stumbling blocks that kept me from forgiving others, thereby literally causing me to being tormented within.

So, today I want to begin with Part I of listing misconceptions and hang-ups I had as well as ones I have heard other people acknowledge over the years. If you see yourself in any of these, why not throw them in the garbage can, as Hannah has illustrated, and begin to live in freedom.

1. Forgiveness is a choice; an act of the will; NOT an emotion.

Would you agree with me if I said, “If we went by our feelings, most mornings, we wouldn’t get out of bed.” But, we make the choice anyway, don’t we?

That is the same way it is with forgiveness. We may say, “I don’t feel like forgiving the one who has hurt me so badly.”

Come with me to the Garden of Gethsemane on the night of Jesus’ betrayal by Judas. Knowing it wasn’t long before He would be arrested by the Roman soldiers, He went to the garden to pray. When He arrived, He fell on his face, crying out, “My Father, if there is any way, get me out of this. But please, not what I want. You, what do you want?” (Matthew 26:32 – Message)

When the Roman soldiers came for Him, one of the disciples cut off the ear of the servant of the high priest to try and prevent them from taking Jesus.

But Jesus said, “Put your sword back where it belongs. All who use swords are destroyed by swords. Don’t you realize that I am able right now to call to my Father, and twelve companies—more, if I want them—of fighting angels would be here, battle-ready? But if I did that, how would the Scriptures come true that say this is the way it has to be?” (Matthew 26:53)

Think about this: the decision Jesus made to walk the path that led to our forgiveness was made by His choice, not His feelings. Clearly His feelings were not wanting to do what He knew was ahead of Him, but He made the choice anyway in order to pave the way for our forgiveness.

2. “They are not sorry they hurt me, why should I forgive?”

Certainly there are many times in our life that we may feel “they should be sorry they did this to me.” Let me break it to you gently; some people are never going to apologize.

  • Some are going to continue in their destructive life style.
  • Some will be stubborn and self-righteous and never confess they were wrong.
  • Some will move away; you’ll never be able to speak with them again.
  • Some will die before they confess and repent.

However, scriptures point to those who forgave without any conditions being set upon their perpetrators.

Stephen is about to be martyred for his testimony of Jesus Christ. Just before he was stoned, he delivered a 52-verse testimony that proclaimed Jesus Christ as Lord. Yet, perhaps the most astounding words of all to those watching were: “Lord, lay not this sin to their charge.” (Acts 7:59-60)

In II timothy 4:9-17, Paul is recording his own personal circumstances of those who had turned against him during his ministry. He writes, Demas has forsaken me, Alexander the coppersmith did me much evil, all men forsook me. But Paul concludes by praying, “I pray God that it may not be laid to their charge.”

The supreme act of forgiveness prior to seeing man’s repentance was Jesus. As he was hanging on the cross and the crowd was shouting, “Crucify Him, crucify Him.” He prayed, “Father, forgive them for they know not what they do.” (Luke 23:34)

Stephen, Paul, and Jesus placed no conditions on their offenders before forgiving them. By waiting for others to show remorse or agree that they have offended us, could cause us to waste a lifetime.

3. Forgiveness does not always mean there will be Reconciliation.

Sometimes people think they have to get back into the relationship and be reconciled when they forgive. This is not true for at least 2 reasons.

A. One reason it may not be possible for reconciliation to occur is because reconciliation is a two-way street and both parties must be willing to reconcile.

A good example of this is in cases of separation with a pending divorce. One partner may be willing to work out their differences; but the other spouse refuses to reconcile on any conditions; thus making it a one-way street. However, forgiveness can still be passed on to the spouse, even though he/she does not desire to be reconciled.

Isn’t that the way our relationship with God was re-established? God has already forgiven us; it’s the reconciliation part that needs to take place. It’s our coming back to reconcile with Him and be in relationship with Him.

Therefore, we have to forgive others, but reconciliation is a two-way street. They, too, must be willing just as we must be willing to reconcile with God.

B. The second reason reconciliation may not be possible are the elements that make up a relationship. For a relationship to be whole, it must consist of:

  • Honor toward one another
  • Serve one another
  • Respect for each other
  • Trust must be established

If any of these elements are missing, then the relationship has been broken, and REPENTANCE should take place before the relationship is reconciled. Repentance means CHANGE!

Dan Allendar, author of Bold Love, says that reconciliation is never meant to be cheap grace. We must give people mercy and forgive them, but it must be joined with a repentant heart that changes before complete reconciliation takes place.

The question, is “How do you know when repentance, a change, takes place?” II Cor. 7:10 says: “For godly sorrow worketh repentance to salvation not to be repented of: but the sorrow of the world worketh death.”

The by-products of sorrow unto life are a greater passion to make wrongs right and a passion for good. These are the fruits of repentance.

Isn’t that the way we had friendship again with Christ? He forgave, but before reconciliation took place, we had to make a change!

Repentance takes one, forgiveness takes one, reconciliation takes two.

4. Forgiveness does not mean forgetting.

The mind is not like a computer in that we can push a key and delete everything in it. Some people are raped, abandoned, beaten, abused, cheated on, or betrayed. No, indeed, you can’t forget that.

The Key to remember: “When things have hurt us and we forgive, a healing takes place on the inside. We then remember it historically, we remember it as facts, but the emotional part of the hurt, the sting of the hurt is gone because we have released the person, and Jesus has cleansed and healed our wound.”

5. “They don’t deserve to be forgiven after the way they treated me!”

Oh yes, I am guilty of saying that, how about you? Take a look in Ephesians 2:3 how Paul describes us. “By nature we are as children of wrath.”

But God, while we were All children of wrath, sent His son, Jesus, to become the propitiation for us. Propitiation means that God’s wrath for sinful man was satisfied when He poured it out on his son, Jesus. At that time, He removed His wrath from us, and we are deeply loved! (1 John 4:9)

What conclusion can I draw from that? We didn’t deserve to be forgiven either, but because of His love and mercy, God removed His wrath from us while we were yet sinners through the shed blood of His son Jesus.

I once heard it said, “No one can hurt me like my sins hurt Jesus.”

Have any of these been stumbling blocks for you to pass on forgiveness to others? If so, which one?

Join Hannah and me next week for Part 2 of more misconceptions that I hope we can dispel. In the meantime, please ask any question you might have. I will do my best to research the answer for you.

Forgiving Others

Posted on by May 11, 2015avatar
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Let It GoIn last week’s post, we discovered the first and most important stage of Forgiveness is: Experience the Forgiveness of God by receiving Him as our Savior. Today, we are continuing our journey around The Cross to view the next stage as found in Colossians 3:13: “Remember, the Lord forgave you, so you must forgive others.

This scripture paints the picture of what we should do for those who have offended us — what Christ has done for us, “Pass It On.”

Keep in mind that forgiveness means: to let go, to release, separate, to let something alone, to leave.

CrossLet’s look at 4 Biblical principles that should help us understand why we should pass on forgiveness to others.

1. Recognize That We Have Been Totally Forgiven

When we get an understanding of the distance our sins had separated us from God, and recognize the sacrifice God made to restore us back to Him, then we should not hesitate to begin the process of forgiving others.

Refusing to do this is to be like The Unmerciful Servant in Matthew 18:21-35.

In this parable, a King decided to bring his accounts up-to-date. In the process, one of his servants was brought in who owed him a huge sum of money. It was impossible for this servant to pay the King, so the King ordered him sold for the debt as well as his wife, children, and everything he owned as payment.

The servant fell down before the King begging for mercy: “Please be patient with me; give me a little time.” BUT, the King was moved with compassion and gave him something more precious than time. He released him of the entire debt.

The story doesn’t end there. Matthew 18:28-35 records the actions of the servant after he had
been set free of his debt. He met a man who owed him a smaller amount than he had owed the King, and demanded his money from him.

The man begged for mercy: “Please be patient with me and I will pay all of the debt.” BUT, he refused to give him mercy and demanded he be put in prison until he could pay the debt.

When the King heard what the servant had done, he commanded that he be turned over to the tormentors until he could pay all that he owed.

Now let’s read Luke 7:36-50 for a contrasting view. The parable begins with Simon, Jesus, and others gathered at Simon’s house for dinner.

All of a sudden, a prostitute walks in.

  • She begins weeping and washes Jesus’ feet with her tears.
  • She then dried his feet with her hair.
  • She gave him a kiss of greeting on his feet.
  • Next she covered his feet with a rare perfume.

Simon and the other people didn’t understand what was going on. Then Jesus said, “Simon, I have something I want to say to you,” and He began to tell Simon a parable of The Two Debtors.

There was a man who had loaned money to 2 debtors. He loaned one $5,000.00; the other
$500.00. Neither of them could pay him back, but he “Released” them both. Jesus asked
Simon, “Which one do you think loved his creditor the most?”

Simon answered, “I suppose the one who owed him the most.” “Correct!” Jesus said. Then Jesus said to Simon:

  • “I came into your house and you didn’t offer me water to wash the dirt off my feet, but she washed my feet with her tears and dried them with her hair.
  • You refused to give me the customary kiss of greeting, but she kissed my feet again and again from the time she came in.
  • You neglected the usual courtesy of olive oil to anoint my head, but she covered my feet with rare perfume.
  • “Wherefore, her sins (and they are many) are forgiven for she loved me much; but one who is forgiven little shows little love. (Luke 7:47)

What points can be drawn from comparing these two parables?

  1. The unmerciful servant (Matt. 18-21-35)
    • He did not recognize he had been totally forgiven of his debt, therefore he could not pass on mercy and forgiveness to others.
    • The results: He was turned over to the tormentors (vs. 34)
  2. The Two Debtors (Luke 7:36-50)
    • The prostitute recognized just how much she had been forgiven, therefore, she showed much love. (vs. 47)
    • The results: Jesus said to the woman: “Go in peace.” (vs. 50)

It appears that:

  • Our ability to extend mercy and forgiveness to others is directly related to the degree by which we recognize our debt of sin has been totally cancelled.
  • We will then replace the anger and hate in our hearts with love and peace toward all who have hurt us, thereby freeing us from the torment of unforgiveness.

2. Remove the Log From Our Own Eyes

Another basic truth that should enable us to forgive others more quickly is found in Matthew 7:3:

“Take the log out of our own eyes in order to deal with the speck in other’s lives.”

The story of David and his adulterous affair with Bathsheba gives us an example of this concept. Bathsheba became pregnant as a result of the affair, and David then had her husband killed so he could marry her. The baby was born, and David went on with his life as if nothing had happened.

God sent Nathan, the prophet, to confront David. Nathan used an illustration of two men who owned sheep: one was very rich, owning many sheep; the other was poor, owning nothing but one little lamb. When a guest came to the rich man’s home, instead of killing a lamb from his own flocks for food, he stole the poor man’s one lamb and killed it to feed his guest.

Outraged at this situation, David responded: “Any man who would do like that should be put to death; he shall repay four lambs to the poor man for the one he stole, for having no pity.”

Nathan replied, “David, you are the man!”

David had quickly seen the speck in another’s life, but had failed to recognize the log in his own. (2 Sam. 11)

3. Forgive Others Just the Way They Are

Are you in close contact with someone who “rubs you the wrong way?” To be more specific, “do you find that these people agitate you to the point that you are offended by them?”
Romans 15:7 says:

“Receive (accept) one another, as Christ also received us to the glory of God.”

The reality of this scripture is: “sometimes, we just have to accept and forgive others just the way they are: their very nature.”

In Romans 14:1-4, Paul is writing because there were people in the church who were arguing over certain things they believed were right to eat or not to eat. Finally he said in verse 5: “Let every man be fully persuaded in your own mind.”

In essence he was saying to have a little more patience; decide where your faith lies, then be fully persuaded in your own mind what you believe. Paul dealt with division. He didn’t want to kick them out of church, so he dealt with them with love and acceptance.

Did God wait for you to get perfect before He forgave you?

4. Forgive Others For Not Meeting Your Needs

Do you designate certain people to meet the needs you have in your life?

Philippines 4:19 says:

“My God shall supply all my needs, according to his riches in Glory.”

Our natural tendency is to look for our needs to be met within our own family, close friends, or even certain church members. However, the truth of Philippines 4:19 is that it does not designate any certain person. It just says, “God shall supply the need, without saying who the vessel will be that He will use.

I personally call this Misplaced Expectations. It is my belief that we have placed “expectations” on certain people in our life. If they do not follow through with our expectations of them, then we hold a grudge against them, opening the door for unforgiveness to come into our heart.

My friends, as someone recently said to me, “this stuff is hard.” Indeed, it can be hard when you have been very badly wounded. But, I trust today that the seeds of “why” we should forgive others has been planted.

Join Hannah and me next week for Wrong Ideas, Misconceptions, and Hang-ups we have about Forgiveness.

Meanwhile, if you have questions, leave me a comment and I will do my best to find out the
answer for you. I have experienced torture from an unforgiving heart; I wish that on no one.