Understanding Emotions: Depression

Posted on by February 24, 2014avatar
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For several weeks, I’ve been writing on different aspects of Understanding Emotions in children who are grieving a loss in their life. Emotions are the bulk of the grieving process and the more we, as caring adults, get involved in trying to understand their emotions, the better equipped we are to help a child work through the maze.

Today, the main topic of concern is Depression.  Let me say right away that, “Experientially, I know nothing about depression in children or adults, for that matter.”  And for that, I am eternally grateful, because I know that it can be a serious problem.  Further down in this post, I will give you a check list for signs of depression in children from The National Health Association.

But first, I want to point out a couple of things to take into consideration before jumping to the conclusion that a child has depression.

1. It is natural for children to have feelings of sadness at any time.

Let’s face it – none of us run on a “high” every day of our lives.  Just turning on the news, can make us sad at what is happening around the world.  Kids are no different.  In their own little world, they can have bouts of sadness from such things as:  having their feelings hurt at school,  watching a sad movie, or losing a ballgame.

As the primary adult in their lives, we can help them overcome these bouts of sadness by teaching them to think positive, help them find a solution to their problem, and get them involved in an activity to take their mind off their sadness.  An activity that I would highly recommend is exercise, which I believe children don’t get enough of these days due to the current technology craze.

2. It is natural for children to have feelings of sadness after a loss to the point that their normal behavior changes.

Unfortunately what could be a temporary change in behavior is sometimes labeled incorrectly by adults.  Read what Linda Goldberg, Professional grief therapist and counselor had to say about this.

“The adult world often judges and labels children negatively for their behaviors.  Many of our children are often labeled ADD or ADHD, slow learners or troublemakers — and when they spiral down far enough, they are then criminalized, hospitalized, or buried.”

Linda goes on to say that this is happening because “the adult world does not recognize the signs of grief in a child.If we did, then we could help them before their pleas turn into screams and before the screams are forever silenced.”

The question is:

How can we recognize the difference between Sadness and Depression?

If sadness is prolonged, it could, indeed, mean a sign of depression, which should be treated by a professional.  The National Mental Health Association gives a checklist to assess depression signs.

 Checklist For Signs of Depression

Feeling

Physical Problems

guilt

headaches

emptiness

stomachaches

hopelessness

lack of energy

worthlessness

has problems sleeping

does not enjoy everyday pleasures

changes in weight or appetite

Thinking Problems

Behavioral Problems

has hard time concentrating

not wanting to go to school

hard time keeping up his grades

desires to be alone most of the time

slow in completing school work

drops out of sports/hobbies, activities

has hard time making decisions

restless

Oh my dear friend, guidance, guidance, guidance is what we should seek from the Lord when dealing with any situation involving our children.  But, I have to say that it scares me when I think of what Linda Goldman said about children being labeled ADD or ADHD, slow learners or troublemakers when, in fact, they are just acting out their grief.

So, I leave you with one of my favorite scriptures concerning guidance and wisdom:

But, if any of you lack wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all men generously and without reproach, and it will be given to him.  (James 1:5)

Thanks for reading, and join Hannah and me right here next week.

Understanding Feelings: The Silent Voice of Pain

Posted on by February 17, 2014avatar
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In my last 3 posts, I have talked about negative emotions and how to help a child manage them.  Today, I want to write about a situation that can be very difficult to manage and that is a child who is SILENT.  By silent, I mean one who does not express pain.

Let’s look at a few ways this can happen and why.

Loyalty
Some children keep their emotions bottled up inside of them out of loyalty to the adult in their life.  I fell into that category as a child.  The era in which I grew up, children were taught, “what goes on at home stays at home.”  While I certainly don’t advocate hanging the family’s dirty laundry out for all to see, I look back now and realize that there were things I “wondered about,” but I wondered about them in silence, only to have to  grieve through them in my adult life.

Divorce is another example that can cause a child to silence their feelings out of loyalty.  Their thinking is:  “I love both of my parents; I don’t want to talk “bad” about either of them.”

Temperament/Personality
I can’t say enough about the role temperament plays in how children and adults respond to life’s circumstances.  A brief description of the Sanquine personality is:  joyful, enthusiastic, creative, free-spirited, the life of the party.  Yet inwardly, they are known to have suppressed anger; thus easily fitting into the category of the silent voice of pain.

Fear
A number of things can cause a child to be fearful and suffer in silence, but what immediately comes to my mind is sexual abuse where the predator has threatened his victim.  Another example is a child who is being bullied may be threatened by the bully not to tell or “you will be sorry.”

Physical Display
While some children keep their pain bottled up internally, other children may be expressing their pain physically. The story of my friend’s granddaughter is a prime example.  Her parents were getting a divorce. Her older brother realized that she began wearing long sleeves in the hot summertime and confronted her about it. She downplayed her actions by saying she was making a fashion statement of her own.  Upon further investigation, her brother discovered that she was cutting herself with a razor blade all up and down her arms and was using the long sleeves to cover up the marks.

The Question is:  How Can We Help the Silent Voice of Pain?

For the most part, children do not know what to do with their emotions. Therefore, as caring adults, we must make it a point every day to ask children questions about their life in general as a means of encouraging expression of feelings, less they become silent during a time of loss.

My daughter, Crystal, has come up with 2 ways to give her two children, ages 5 and 9, an opportunity to express themselves daily.

  1. She discovered that when she asked her kids, “how was your day at school,” she always got the same short answer:  “Okay.”  She wanted more information than “okay,” so she started giving them a word in which they had to describe their day to her using that word.
  2. Another thing she does comes at mealtime. She puts questions in a box and the kids draw one out.  That question will be the topic of conversation for the whole family to discuss while eating their meal together.

Without even realizing it, these kids are learning that their feelings are important, and trust is being built with the main adult figure in their lives who they can talk with about issues that are of concern to them.

3. Another way to hopefully avoid the silent voice of pain is through artwork.  Some children are not going to be as verbal as Crystal’s children, regardless of how much opportunity is given them to express themselves.  However, most children like to draw.  You’d be surprised at what you can pick up by a child’s drawings as to what he is thinking and feeling.

Oh, my dear friends, there are no cookie-cut answers as to how to help a child in grief.  Everyone has their own unique experience.

But, my point in writing my book, Helping Hurting Children is to encourage us “lay people,” consisting of parents, grandparents, educators, children’s ministers, that WE CAN HELP.  I am so thankful for Godly Christian counselors and by all means encourage it.  There are, indeed, times children need more help that is beyond our capabilities.

But I have to believe that we “lay people” can cover a lot of territory in helping children because we are the people our children and grandchildren see every day of their lives.

Thanks for reading, and join Hannah and me next week, as we talk about Depression.

Recommended Books on Temperament

  1. Personality Plus for Parents by Florence Littauer
  2. The Temperament God Gave Your Kids by Art and Laraine Bennett

Understanding Feeling: Good Negative Emotions

Posted on by February 11, 2014avatar
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In my post last week, Negative Patterns, I pointed out that a negative emotion in childhood could become a pattern of response that could continue into his adulthood.  I stressed that we, as caring adults, should develop a “watch and listen” approach so we can help a child prevent those negative emotions of responding to continue in his life.

This week I am writing about Good Negative Emotions.  As my children’s illustrator and granddaughter, Hannah, would say, “Seriously?”  “Yes, Hannah, seriously. There are times when each of these negative emotions should come into play in a positive way.” 

For example:

GOOD ANGER:  Good anger might include seeing another child being bullied.  Their anger would allow them to go with the child to tell an adult rather than letting the bullying continue.

GOOD FEAR:  Good fear helps a child to have a healthy sense of caution, such as fear of strange dogs and strange people, which can be dangerous for them.

GOOD WORRY:  Good worry might include his grades in school.  It is good to have a certain sense of worry or at least a deep feeling of concern in order to improve on study habits that will help keep his grades up to par.

GOOD GUILT: Good guilt comes from the conscience when having done something wrong. It can be a good thing, because it is a time to look at behavior that needs to be changed such as punching, fighting, or hurting others.

 The key is for a caring adult to know when and how to balance the scales
between the bad and good negative emotions.

As I was writing this post, I was reminded of the Bible stories of Jonathan and David that Sunday School teachers tell children over and over, drawing on so many points that children can learn from them.

A brief refresher of one particular story to emphasize my point:  Jonathan’s dear old dad, Saul, made a plan to kill David to prevent David from becoming king. It just so happened that Jonathan and David were best friends.

When Jonathan learned of this plot, he arose with fierce anger for he was sorry for what his father was going to do to his best friend, David.  He then took positive action with his anger, and went out and warned David of this plot, which, of course, voided David’s pre-mature death from taking place by the hands of Saul.  (1 Samuel 20)

I think the story clearly illustrates that Jonathan took the emotion of anger, which can produce severe consequences, and turned it into good anger for a positive result.  That’s the reason, we as caring adults, should make it a point to help our children balance the scales between “bad and good” negative emotions.

Oh my dear friends, no one ever said it was easy trying to grasp all the things we should be teaching our children. But, I have to believe that most parents do the best they know how with the knowledge they have at the time.

Quite honestly, some of the things I know now about helping children, especially hurting children, I didn’t know when my own children were growing up, so I was out of touch with a lot of their hurt and pain.  Apart from their forgiveness, the only redemption I have is passing on the things I have since learned in the event it will help other hurting children.

That’s why I felt compelled to publish my book, Helping Hurting Children: A Journey of Healing.  Since feelings are the bulk of the grieving process, two chapters are devoted to teaching children about feelings.

Join Hannah and me next week when we tackle The Silent Voice of Pain.