Give Birth: Plant Seeds of Healing

Posted on by December 22, 2013avatar
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How do you say “Merry Christmas” to a child who might have recently experienced his parents divorcing, has had a loved one to die, been the target of bullying, has a loved one in jail, and the list could go on and on.

For the past couple of weeks, I have been writing on Surviving the Holidays after a loss.  I kid you not; grieving is hard.  It is crazy and takes on many different twists, and has been compared to waves that wash in when you least expect them, especially during the holidays.

Having said that, I have to believe that the healing of emotional scars brought on by losses is like planting seeds in a garden and watching them grow.  Come with me while I suggest seeds to plant in your child’s garden (his heart) during this Christmas season, as well as the up-coming year.

Hannah-stickman-planting-2013-2God Hurt Inside Seed

The Bible tells about the first time that God experienced a loss.  It happened like this:

When God created Adam and Eve, they became His very special friends.  He made the beautiful Garden of Eden to be their home, and He walked and talked with them every day in the garden. As you know, He told them everything in the garden was theirs to enjoy, but gave them this warning:

“You may eat any fruit in the garden except fruit from the Tree of Good and Evil, for its fruit will open your eyes to make you aware of right and wrong, good and bad.  If you eat its fruit, you will be doomed to die.”  (Genesis 2:16-17)

And, of course, they did just what God told them not to do.  Their sin separated them from God and He experienced his first loss – the loss of Adam and Eve’s friendship, as well as all the other people born into the world after them.  This loss of friendship made God Hurt Inside.

Hannah-stickman-planting-2013-2The Birth of Jesus Seed

Because God still loved people so much, one day He sent His son, Jesus, into the world.  It happened like this:

That night, some shepherds were in the fields outside the village, guarding their flocks of sheep.  Suddenly an angel appeared among them, and the landscape shone bright with the glory of the Lord.  They were badly frightened, but the angel reassured them.  “Don’t be afraid,” he said.  “I bring you the most joyful news ever announced, and it is for everyone!  The Savior – yes, the Messiah, the Lord – has been born tonight in Bethlehem!”  (Luke 2:8-11)

Jesus’ birth paved the way for the day He would shed His blood for man’s sins and would give people an opportunity to be friends with God again as they received Him as their Savior. Thus, God’s loss of friendship was healed and restored.

Hannah-stickman-planting-2013-2The Healing of the Broken-Hearted Seed

But, God sent Jesus into the world to do something else, too.  During his ministry on earth, He went into the synagogue on the Sabbath, opened the book of the prophet Isaiah, and began to read:

The Spirit of the Lord is upon me; he has appointed me to preach Good News to the poor; He has sent me to Heal the brokenhearted and to announce that captives shall be released and the blind shall see, that the downtrodden shall be freed from their oppressor, and that God is ready to give blessings to all who come to Him.”  (Luke 4:18)

Jesus’ birth paved the way, not only for our salvation but, yes, The Healing of the Broken-Hearted.

As we celebrate the birth of our Lord and Savior, Jesus Christ, I believe all these seeds planted in your child’s life, is a message of hope for an emotional and spiritual birth that will be birthed in our own lives and in the life of our children after a loss. Watch for the day, when your child will blossom as a beautiful array of flowers, and in turn, he will plant seeds into others’ lives.

Hannah Flower Bed 2013 2

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Hannah and I would like to wish you and yours a Merry Christmas, and blessings to you during this Holiday Season and in the coming year.”

Surviving the Holidays After a Divorce

Posted on by December 8, 2013avatar
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“Divorce is very hard.”  “Divorce and holidays are even harder but with strong family support willing to make whatever adjustments needed, it helps in drawing emotions and attention away from tragedy.”  “I keep my children and myself focused on the blessings that God gives us every day; it is the only way to make it through the tough times.” (Cindy Partin Freeman)

I am so proud of the young woman in the above quote — Cindy Partin Freeman, my God-child.  Cindy’s future was planned.  She and her husband would balance jobs, household duties, and above all, raise their two children together.  And then it happened — he wanted out!

Though the road has been a rough one to travel, Cindy now leads a group called, SALT, which stands for:  Single Adults Leaning Together.  SALT is a ministry to singles whether divorced or never married.

I asked Cindy to share with our readers some of the things she and her group use to Survive the Holidays After a Divorce.  The following are some ideas she provided.

  1.  Change up Tradition:  Ask the child what he or she would like to do.  It seems strange to say this, but tradition draws attention to what is different (a parent missing.)  If they change it up, the child is caught up in a new activity and the loss of the other parent isn’t as prevalent.  Example:  If they normally open gifts on Christmas Eve, choose to go to a Christmas Eve service instead.
  2. Santa:  If the children are real young and still believe in Santa, we suggest having Santa at the primary residence.  Some parents will allow the other parent to be there.  That is rare and it depends on the relationship between the two parents. They have to ensure that it is all about the child and not any issues they may have if they do it this way.
  3. Finances: If finances are an issue (which is most likely the case), we suggest being honest with the children and letting them know that you may not be able to spend as much on them as you have in the past.  In doing this, the parent needs to have alternatives to off-set this such as:  creating coupons of quality time with the child.  Have a special activity planned like driving around to see lights or an at home movie marathon planned, etc.
  4. Avoid a Busy Schedule:  Divorcees have a tendency to stay busy to either keep themselves out of the home so they don’t have to be reminded they are a single parent or they think they need to stay constantly on the go so they don’t have moments of being alone.  Even if they have children, they will do this and keeping the children going may turn out to cause more stress and be more harmful than good.  The suggestion is to actually reduce your schedule.  At the beginning of a divorce, emotions are all over the place and adding the stress of a busy Christmas schedule is a recipe for disaster.
  5. Have a Plan:  Even though we say not to create a busy schedule, we do suggest having a plan.  Don’t let the holiday creep up on you and not know what they should or need to do.  Plan it out.  Where are they going to be?  What are they going to do?  Who is included?

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As I see Cindy making announcements on Facebook to the SALT Group concerning times of meetings and activities she plans with the adults and their kids, I am reminded of the words of Joseph, who experienced many losses at the hands of his brothers.

As you may recall, Joseph’s brothers sold him to traders going to Egypt, among other things they did to him.  As a famine spread throughout the world, God had placed Joseph in a position as the Governor of Egypt.  Having foreknowledge of this famine, Joseph had the people of Egypt storing up food for seven years.

And then one day, who should appear in need of food?  You guessed it – Joseph’s brothers.  But, the beauty of it all was that, despite how he had been treated, Joseph had recognized that the Lord had been with him throughout his ordeal, and his attitude had remained Christ-like.  He said to his brothers:

“You intended to harm me, but
God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done,
the saving of many lives.”
Genesis 50:20

Cindy chose not to be a victim to her circumstances and has taken her rough times and turned them around to help save many lives. I believe Cindy will agree with me when I say: “There’s no greater joy than taking a loss that could have destroyed you and your children, and turning it around to help others.”  What better way to Survive Divorce, especially During the Holidays.

Do you have additional ideas as to how to survive the holidays after a divorce?  If so, share them with others in the comment section.

Be sure to join Hannah and me next week for a special Christmas Eve message.

Helping Children Survive the Holidays After a Death

Posted on by December 4, 2013avatar
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It was March, 1970, when the phone call came from the hospital:  “Your daddy has had a massive heart attack and is in critical condition.”  Four hours away, my husband and I drove the longest trip of my life and arrived in time to see him for a few minutes just before he passed away.

And then, nine months later, Christmas arrived on the scene.  I vividly recall sitting down to the table to eat on Christmas Day when suddenly, an ocean of tears filled my plate because of the empty seat next to me.   As if there was an “elephant in the room,” no one dared say a word about “who” was missing; we just kept on eating and talking small talk.

As I look back on that day 43 years ago, I have to ask myself, “why didn’t we mention daddy’s name and honor his memory in some way?”  I think it had a lot to do with the fact that “no one knew HOW to help one another,” which happens a lot of times during family shared grief.

One thing I know for sure: On that Christmas morning, – “I was in pain.”  I would have loved to have taken a break from the pain of daddy’s death just for Christmas, but to borrow a quote from Grief Share Organization:  “Grief Doesn’t Take Holidays.”

Perhaps you and your children are facing the holidays having experienced the death of a loved one this year.  While there are no cookie-cut answers as to how to work through the maze of emotional pain brought on by death, children in particular, need extra tender care to help them survive the holidays.  After all, it is supposed to be a happy time filled with activities and gifts, but someone they loved dearly is missing this year. What could possibly be “Merry“ about it?

So, I am offering a few personal survival tips of my own, as well as a collection of ideas from different sources for you to examine.  Perhaps there may be just one that will help you walk through the maze with your child during this holiday season.

  1. Realize it will be Tough:   I think we set ourselves up for what I call a “false spiritual high” when we take the stance, “I am going to be okay; Jesus is with me.”  Indeed, He is with us because, well because  He knows what it is like to suffer the loss of a loved one – His own Son.  That is why He is there to comfort you, but remember it is He who said:  “Blessed are those who mourn (grieve) for they shall be comforted.”  On tough days, talk with the God of all comfort and ask Him to get you through the next moment.
  2. Make New Memories and New Traditions:  Things change when your loved one is no longer with your family.  That means there might family traditions or extended family get-togethers that you and your children might want to omit or change this year.  That is okay.  Realize your limitations and do only what works best for your immediate family.
  3. Visit the Cemetery: This is a personal thing for most people.  Some take flowers and other mementoes; others go and sit and talk to their loved one. Still others might find that going to the cemetery the first year is just too painful.  I confess that I could not go that first year, and can I tell you that, even today, I don’t feel guilty about it.  I believe survival means “doing what you feel you can do until the time comes when you are able to do more.”  Talk with your children and let this be a decision each child makes according to his/her desires, free of any guilt.
  4. Give a Gift to Charity:  All of us have a little kid in us when it comes to giving and receiving gifts.  Why not suggest to your child that since they cannot give their loved one a gift that they give a monetary gift to a charity in his/her name, or give a wrapped gift to an organization for needed people.
  5. Share Memories:  Today, as I think about that first Christmas my daddy was not with us, how wonderful it would have been to have told stories and shared a few laughs about him; after all, he was always joking and laughing. Why not engage your own children in conversations with such lines as:  “Remember when ____________  would say this, or when __________would do that?  For sure, it will bring on a happy memory.
  6. Take a Trip:  One young woman I know with 3 kids and expecting her fourth is taking her children to Disney World for Christmas.  Oh yes, she found out she was pregnant right at the time of her husband’s unexpected death.  In her words as to the reason for the trip, “we need to get out of town.”  (Enough said!)
  7.  Decorating the Christmas Tree: On strips of paper write memories that family members have of the person who died.  Loop the paper strips to create a chain and hang it around the Christmas tree. (1)  
  8. Give a Special Gift to the Deceased:  Wrap small boxes in holiday wrap. On each gift tag write a gift that person has instilled in you, such as courage, a specific skill, responsibility, kindness, etc. (2)
  9. Volunteer:  Helping other people always makes us feel better about ourselves and should be taught to children at a young age.  Around the holidays, take them to a soup kitchen to help those who do not have a meal awaiting them at home, or have them collect toys for children who do not receive presents during the holidays.  All of this helps children to feel better about themselves because they are helping others.  It also helps them to get through the holidays. (3)
  10. Church, Christ, Comfort:  What better way to help your children survive the holidays after the death of a loved one than to give your child the gift of these three C’s.  Church gives them a place where they can praise and worship God with a community of others.  Christ gives them hope.  Your own personal relationship with Jesus is the best gift you can give them, as they see you walking out your faith, along with your pain.  Comfort comes from your prayers with and for them and helps de-stress the situation.  (4)
  11. Save Time and Space for Yourself:  In your effort to help your children, you may have a tendency to overlook your own grief.  Plan a time when a close family friend or relative can care for your children so you can have a time and space for yourself to reflect.  Also, don’t feel you alway have to be composed around your children.  It’s okay for them to see your tears, and even ask them for a hug on your down days.  Together you and your children, along with God’s help, family, and friends are going to make it.

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You might have other suggestion as to how to help a child survive the holidays after a death.  If so, leave a comment and share it with others.

Thanks for joining Hannah and me this week.  Join us next week when we will be talking about Helping Children Survive the Holidays After a Divorce.

Footnotes:

(1)   The Dougy Center for Grieving Children
(2)   Ibid
(3)   Bobbie Rubenstein, Associate Professor at the University of Rochester’s Warner School of Education.
(4)   Grief Share Organization